Hello, Mr. Scott,
“Excuse for all of my last minute gush and lengthy expression”
I have been in a life long battle since I was 9 years old, which I’m 22 years old now where I live in small loop of life is home, school, and church. It’s killing me. It’s about my identity as Demisexual and mundane problems.
To me, demisexual is very unique, not as popular as LGBTA (saying that in humble way), and it fit my whole personality ever since. I am the type of person who love reading books, exploring things with high curiosity, funny, introvert, open minded, bubbly, go getter, be a “fresh air and be an organic food” for people (myself too since we all been through hard life out there), look inside of people’s soul and personality instead of their appearance, which makes extremely hard for me to attract toward woman or man, and get bored easily with things.
I was born and raised in black family who is very strong and strict in Christian who make everything black and white…no gray in between, which I find it funny that I tend to find colors in “between” is almost an answer for everything without conflicts, an answer for people haven’t thought of, and use it to help people to be free. When I first came out to them after graduating college, it took me many years to open myself up and ended up being bashed by them.
At first, they stare at me like I’m an alien or pure confusion and say confusion is from the devil. I ended up destroying myself to see them be happy for me but noticed my health is crashing, my daily drawing for my outlet becoming depressing, very few, or on hold for long time, overthinking is eating me up so much of what to be as “worldly” or “not worldly” in every little things I do and say, which my silence is getting bigger, while my action is getting smaller every day.
I personally hate to be limited or being twisted, yet I’m living under parent’s roof where parent are recently separated. Parents are so into my business and nearly ruin everything I build for my future, even I want my life to be private and be truly me. Still looking for job. So, I never had relationship (I have one but got cheated on, so I’ll say I never had relationship 😂) and it very difficult for me to open up to anyone and about to put my mindset on “business” mode without emotions to get through everything. My goal is to be artist as animator, illustrator, making tv show, entrepreneur, and massage therapist. I feel like I have more than that….I know it is a lot since I love multitasking to keep my mind going and make money overflowing. Again, I apologize for lengthy expression!!
Dear Strawberry Prince,
Thanks for writing to me. I have to admit, reading your letter I was forced to dig deep in my vocabulary to remind myself what demisexual actually means. I recall hearing the word once before, but It’s not one of those terms I stored away. After looking it up again, I’m reminded of the definition. For the sake of clarity for my other readers I’ll remind them what demisexual means.
Demisexual: A person that’s not sexually attracted to someone else unless an emotional connection is formed. (Meaning, a person that’s not ready to pounce on somebody else just on pure physical attraction.)
Now I’m not entirely sure what specific advice you’re seeking, so I’ll just drop some general advice about what you described. First, one lesson I’ve come to learn is that you can’t expect everyone to understand your life and the way you live it. People will have a vision for what they think you should be doing and for who they think you should become. Often time, they will develop these dreams about your life without ever consulting you. So naturally, when you take paths that don’t put you on their expected journey for your life, they’re disappointed.
To be honest, my mom wasn’t that thrilled when I came out to her either. She always thought I’d grow up to have a wife and kids. Now while I want kids one day, I clearly don’t want a wife. Honestly, my mother and I went through a hiccup in our relationship because of our differing visions. However, after some time and prayer, we got back on track with our relationship. In fact, we are closer today than we ever have been. I love that woman and know that she loves my authentic self.
I briefly share my personal story, because I hope it inspires you not to give up on your family coming around and accepting you for you. Sometimes, friends and family just need time to accept what is a new reality for them. I’m sure it probably took you time to come to grips with your sexuality. That you went through a period of struggling with your identity. But eventually, you came to accept your truth. Just give your family some time to come around and accept your truth for themselves as well. If your family members are Christians as you say they are, and believe in the biblical principle of love, they’ll come around.
Moving right along, if you are stuck at your parents until you’re able to financially support yourself, you’d be doing yourself a favor by finding you some allies and supportive friends. Some folks you can meet up with from time to time to discuss your sexuality with and share similar life stories. People that will provide a judgment free zone, and not necessarily give you a side eye. That kind of support is amazing to have if you can find it.
And lastly, you have to take more of a defensive stand in protecting your positive energy and happiness. It sounds like you’re giving your family the power to steal joy that every human is owed. I take it you’re not in a situation where you’re imprisoned or being abused, so it sounds like you have access to freedom. Try to use that freedom to find happiness in the midst of life’s downs and hardships.
Suggestions going forward.
- While I’ve been told I give good advice, I’m not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist. I actually think you’d benefit from talking to a professional.
- As you get to know yourself more, try to make sure you come to love yourself more as well.
- If you’re indeed Christian, don’t be afraid to pray for your family relationships. Prayer does change things.
As always nothing but love,