relationships

I Asked My Boyfriend to Move In, But He Won’t Pay Any Bills

Hey T,

Addicted to your blog lol. But imma keep this short and to the point. So my current boyfriend and I have been together collectively 8 years. We recently decided to date again because we both feeling each other. I mean you know how the story goes. Well we had the talk about moving into my house so we took that step. Of course after being single and living alone took some adjustment.

I’m not one that thinks roles and labels play a significant part in a relationship. Because at end of day we both are men. I feel the responsibilities should be shared equally so all the pressure or stress isn’t on one person. I don’t believe because you’re a top and he’s a bottom you should be paying for everything.

So for the last four months, I have been footing all of the rent. All of utilities. Groceries. Car payment (that he drives cause he doesn’t have one).  Insurance. We haven’t been sexual at all, and I find myself getting annoyed all the time with the smallest shit that he does. He breathes hard and I want to smack him. Now we have had talked and he said he would help, but umm that hasn’t yet. How do I express myself without being the BITCH I’m known to be? How can I mend the brokenness that is my heart and relationship? Or do I just throw the entire relationship away and start over?

-A Broken Man

Dear A Broken Man,

Thanks for writing to me and letting me know According to T is your new addiction. I always appreciate new fans, and positive feedback. So again, thank you.  Now as far as your dilemma, I’m going to tell you some things I hope don’t offend you.  My goal is to help, NOT shade.

Picture it. It’s the summer of 2001, and an African American “classic” was just released in movie theaters across the country. The male lead of the film is an American Music Award winner, and his female counterpart would go on to be nominated for an Oscar and win a Golden Globe Award for different acting roles. While most people will just view the film in question as a tale of a young black man trying to grow up and survive his rough upbringing. I also recognize the movie as a cautionary tale for relationships.

Enough beating around the bush, I’m actually talking about John Singleton’s Baby Boy.  I bring up the film, because your issues remind me of it from a relationship perspective.  You’ve found yourself coupled up with someone that has Jody tendencies, or at least that’s the image I see being painted here. You’re funding your lifestyle and your boyfriend’s too.  Breaking it down even further, you’re a keeper of a kept man.  While there are many people that actually like flipping the entire bill for their partner, you obviously aren’t one of those people, nor am I.

And don’t get me wrong, I don’t think two people have to be equally yoked financially in order for a relationship to work.  Money isn’t everything.  However, if you’re going to be paying all of the bills, your boyfriend could at least provide support in other ways.  He could cook meals, clean the house, wash clothes, mow the lawn, or something.  Any contribution from him I’m sure would be appreciated. After all, most folks don’t really want a Jody.

Oh, and by no means am I saying you’re a Yvette (well not exactly).  You aren’t being “sexmatized” into overlooking his flaws that clearly make you uncomfortable.  Heck, you two aren’t even having sex, which is completely understandable to me and most people. It’s hard to be sexually attracted to someone you think is using you,  or at the very least taking advantage of the situation.

Lastly, I noticed you said you two have been together “collectively for eight years.”  I’m assuming that means you two have taken several breaks in between those years.  I’ll just say this.  As humans, we tend to stay within our comfort zone.  We often don’t like exploring the new and unfamiliar out of fear we won’t find better, or will wind up in a worse predicament.  So, we just stay, even if we’re at the end of our rope.  Ask yourself if you continually get back with your boyfriend because the relationship is comfortable, or you really love him and think you two have what it takes to last?

Suggestions going forward.

  1. I didn’t read anywhere in your letter where you state your boyfriend has a job, but if he does, ask him to pay some bills.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing.  In a simple conversation, say something like:

 “Babe, I love you and I was really excited about us moving in together.  However, I envisioned us splitting the finances equally.  For the sake of my pocket, and more importantly our relationship, I don’t think we should live together if we can’t really share our lives and living arrangement.  I’m not saying we should break up, but I am saying maybe we should rethink living together until we’re both ready.”

  1. Now if you feel like the above example conversation is a little too specific, you could simply try:

“Babe, I’m sorry but l don’t think we should live together. As much as I love you, I don’t think it’s working.  I’m not saying I want to end our relationship, but I do think we need to take a few steps back.”

  1. If you really just want to end the relationship in its entirety, then by all means give your boyfriend notice.
  2. In the future, before you and a guy decide to live together, make sure you set some ground rules first. I know it’s not that romantic to talk about splitting rent, gas bills, and groceries, but that conversation is crucial in helping you avoid problems like this.  Heck, living with another grown human being is tough enough without having to worry about things that should have been taken care of from jump.

 

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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