I just started following you on IG this morning, I am super fascinated in your website thus far and appreciate your insights and responses. I am hoping you can give me some encouraging words.
Recently, I was in a serious relationship (or so I believed/still believed) with a man since November. Long story, short he was a great guy and really treated me how I wanted. Right before the holidays his financial situation caused him to land on some hard times. I emotionally (not financially) supported him during this time. Once after the New Year he told me he was having some suicidal thoughts, but luckily did not follow through.
Fast forwarding, his job allowed him to travel across the country to make more money. I agreed to try long distance as he claimed he would be able to take time off once a month. A few weeks ago, he yelled at me for not telling him I had dinner with friends (both male and gay). I did tell him indeed. At the end of the conversation I tried to say ‘I love you’ and he brushed it to the side and hung up. I decided to take 2 days off and not speak to him to clear my mind, as there have been some instances where he has thrown these tantrums.
When I tried to call him he didn’t answer and a few days later I noticed he deleted some of his social apps and decided to block me. I called him one final time to try and resolve the issues, and after no response sent a text message saying I still love him and that I respect his wishes, wish him the best etc.
I am sorry for the long message, but this was my first real relationship and I guess I am looking for some type of closure from him. I feel like just dropping off out of nowhere with no explanation is just so disrespectful and he basically just smashed my heart. I’m not sure if his ‘on the road’ job has tempted him to interact with men he meets, if he just wants freedom or if there may be some underlying mental health issues.
I have come to the realization that I will not get to the bottom of what happened, so how do I move on and not feel like every man I meet in the future (in a serious capacity) won’t hurt me like he has? Do you have any suggestions on how to move on? Side note: I invested so much time and energy into this man and I was very faithful to him.
Thank you so much for any light or advice. Much love.
-Struggling Hopeless Romantic
Dear Struggling Hopeless Romantic,
Thanks for writing to me, and thanks for taking interest in According to T. I love attracting new people to the site, so I’m glad you found it. Now based on what you wrote, it sounds like I should address a few points here. Let’s start with why this guy appears to have ended things with you in the way he did.
The Break Up
The way your ex decided to break things off with you sounds extremely petty if you two were in a serious relationship. Most people that have been committed to each other in a relationship don’t simply end things by going radio silent. However, those that do break up with folks like this are usually extremely immature, or have been recruited by some top secret organization and must cut times with everyone. I’m guessing your ex didn’t join the CIA or go undercover in a cartel.
If I’m being honest, it sounds as if your ex-boyfriend may have been looking for a reason to end things with you, and took the opportunity of you going out with your friends to break up. My hunch tells me that while he initially believed he was able to do the long-distance commitment, he began to rethink that choice as the reality of that distance sunk in. And rather than just tell you he wanted out, he found something “wrong” with what you did, and put the demise of your relationship in your lap. Again, this is my assumption here, but from what you’ve shared, I feel strong in making it.
Another point worth addressing here is your need for closure. Trust me when I say I understand where you are coming from. Anytime I’ve had a relationship end (whether it be platonic, romantic, or professional), I’ve always sought out closure as to why things didn’t work out. I want to know I’ve done all I could have to save a relationship that’s worth saving. Plus, I try my best to learn from every relationship so I know how to be better in future ones, and know the type of energy and people to avoid. So again, I get it.
The thing about closure though, is that sometimes you have to get it even when the other person is not willing to offer his two cents. You may think you’re owed an explanation, but no person is required to give you one. That means, it’s up to you to deduce why you two didn’t work from your perspective, and to determine what you need going forward from the people you let into your inner circle.
So with all of that said, I’m brought to my third point. Don’t allow the ghost of your past (i.e. your ex) to control what happens in your future. Don’t give him that kind of power. In life, things are going to happen to you that take a toll on you emotionally. That’s a fact. However, you can’t let the bad and unwanted surprises in life keep you afraid from living. In other words, don’t stop putting yourself out there to date just because you had a bad experience.
And let me just say this. While I want you to open yourself back up to dating one day, there is no rush for you to put yourself back on the market. I’m a huge advocate of people taking time in between relationships to do some reflection. Think about the mistakes you’ve made and how you’d like to improve going forward. Also, think about the type of man you’re attracted to and the type of men you’re attracting. Is there a problem there? Use your newfound single status to grow and mature.
Suggestions going forward.
- If your ex never talks to you again, that’s fine. It’s time you let him go. Don’t reach out to him anymore. The silent disrespect he’s shown you is screaming loud and clear for you to close that chapter.
- Remember, an explanation doesn’t always come with closure. So, it’s up to you to move forward now.
- Oh, and if a guy ever has a problem with you hanging with friends that you know are good people, you need to be careful. Every partner should want his partner to have a great group of folks around him.
- I didn’t address it above, but it’s important to know that if your ex had mental health issues, it’s not on you to fix him. That’s on him. It’s nice to encourage someone to seek help if he needs it, and to support him in his journey to good health and peace. But if you aren’t an objective professional, you aren’t responsible for him.
As always nothing but love,