friendship

My Best Friend Has a Boyfriend, and Now He Has No Time for Me

Dear T,

This site you have is pretty amazing.  I’m mad I literally just found it. Good stuff.  Anyway, let’s see if you can help me out here.  I’m so sick and tired of one of my best friends lately.  He’s been seeing his boyfriend or whatever for about a month now, and I know it’s been that long because I’ve seen his boyfriend for that long.  Not that I’m dating his boyfriend or anything, but every time I hang out with my friend these days he has to bring his boyfriend around.  If I hit my friend to go out for drinks, he brings his boyfriend.  If I hit him to go to a house party, he brings his boyfriend. If I call him to go out to eat, he’s asking if he can bring his man.  It’s like damn, can I just hang with my friend by himself.  I want to talk to my friend about it, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to blow it up into a big thing, and I don’t want to get into it.  What do you think?

-Not Jealous But Annoyed

Dear Not Jealous But Annoyed,

Thanks for writing to me.  There’s no need to be mad that you’re just finding my blog, I’m just happy you found it.  Also, I appreciate your kind words.   Like I keep saying, the kind words and compliments keep fueling what I’m doing here.  So again, thank you.

As far as the dilemma you’re facing, I’ll tell you right now that it’s a common one amongst social groups across the globe.  A friend finds a new bae, then all of a sudden the friend ghost you or has a new shadow that follows him everywhere.  In most cases, it’s not an issue of control or domestic abuse.  The boyfriend is not forcefully monopolizing all of the friend’s time. Instead, it’s just a stage of infatuation, or the Honeymoon Phase, that’s got the friend all caught up in the new man, and neglecting all of the platonic relationships in his life. To be honest, I can relate to the scenario you wrote about, because I’ve been it.  Unfortunately, I’ve been the friend.

I never really thought I’d be the type to go Casper on my friends when I met a man.  Prior to getting in my first relationship (which wasn’t until after college, but that’s a story for another day), I vowed I would never be the type to be sprung.  To fall so hard, that I forget to hang out with and check up on the people in my life that have always had my back. But as the saying goes, “you don’t know until you know.”

About two months into the relationship, I finally started to wake up and realize what was happening in my life.  The Honeymoon Phase had worn off, and I realized that I was so infatuated with my man that I hadn’t really hung out and talked with my best friends.  Heck, it was really bad because at the time I was living with one of my best friends.  During those two months, any free time I had I was spending with bae.  My circle would invite me out to the bar or club, and I came up with every excuse I could find to just chill at home with the beau. And on the rare occasion I did opt to go out, he was next to me.  Thankfully, I woke up and checked myself before my friends did. (Oh and they were ready to check me, at least according to one of my boys.)

Here’s the thing, for some people who find it hard to locate a good man to date, when they find one, they throw themselves all in.  The hopeless romantic in them wants to explore a good thing and secure the man.  It’s kind of like plots of the Toy Story movie franchise.   In this metaphor, friends and family are Woody, and the new boyfriend is Buzz Lightyear.  Andy is thankful for Woody and is loyal to him, but then Buzz comes along and gets all the attention.  But some time passes, and then Andy realizes the importance of Woody and how he’s been neglecting who has been there with him from the beginning.  Eventually, Andy is able to find a balance between the toys, and like me, your friend will hopefully find the balance between his friends and his man.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. If your friend has never acted this way before with a guy, then cut him a little slack and wait for him to realize what he’s been doing. However, if you feel his wake-up call is taking too long, by all means delicately tell him you miss hanging out with just him. As long as your tone and delivery is right, I don’t see why he would get upset.  If he does get upset, you may want to take a look at the honesty of your friendship.  I for one enjoy being able to have candid conversations with my besties.

 

  1. Now if for some reason you suspect that the reason your friend is M.I.A. lately is because his boyfriend is possessive or controlling, then you should say something to your friend right away. I’d hate for your bestie to get into a situation where there is verbal or even physical abuse taking place.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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