The Lifestyle

I Was Trying to Date Him, Not Him and His Crazy Ex

Hey T,

You’ve been my unbiased “go-to” for quite some time. And this newest solicitation for advice won’t be any different. Let me jump right in, as this might turn lengthy.

I have been dating this guy for approximately 3 months, however it seems as if we have known each other much longer. The chemistry, conversation, and connection are purely organic.  We talk for hours on hours (about relevant things). He’s just all around nice guy.  I’ll refer to him as may’bae (potential future bae) going forward.

May’bae has this friend that he has known for quite a while.  The both of them are from the same area and relocated to the immediate area, went to college together, been roommates, and May’bae has taken care of this friend when he was down (after surgery/etc). After close observations (from conversations), I started feeling like the friend was more than a friend or that something had possibly existed between them in years past.  When I inquired he assured me that it was nothing more than a friendship.  I took it for face value, but I still had a very weird feeling about the connection.   I met this friend while I visiting May’bae and the friend was very short and stand-offish with me.  When I asked May’bae about it he said, “Oh that’s just how he is with everybody…”

Fast forward… we have been spending a lot of time together as you do when you’re getting to know someone and this friend apparently feels some type of way about it.  He popped up at May’bae’s place and confronted him about who he’d been spending his time with and asked was it me.  Once confirmed, this sent his friend into a fiery rage. He started making comments like “I thought you and I were going to be together, What does he have that I don’t have?….etc”

He pushes May’bae and a physical altercation ensued.

May’bae calls me crying because he has had a fight with who he thought was simply a friend that he had been helping out/held bake sessions with and just cool with. So anyway, it confirmed my assumptions that the friend indeed had feelings for him.

Being that this is really fresh, I don’t want to automatically penalize May’bae for just being there for a friend (who apparently had secret feelings for him). I don’t believe it’s his fault. The friend has since apologized for “acting out of character” and that May’bae has been a shoulder for him and most recently since he hasn’t been coming around he feels alone and wants to reconcile. I’m struggling with this idea because it sounds like he’s just trying to pull May’bae back into his life.

Perhaps once they sit down and talk he can let him know what it is and what it isn’t.  I liken this entire scenario to dating someone who is still close to an ex (knowing that the ex still has feelings for them).  I truly believe he doesn’t feel the same, but it’s my uncomfortable level of knowing that he’s still will be around someone who is actually in love with him.  Lastly, I don’t want to put him in a predicament to choose between me and his long time friend (who’s now not so “secretly” in love with him after all the tea was spilled).  Could this be a red flag for me or am I digging a little too deep with this?

Thanks,

Confused

*** UPDATE***

May’bae who is now Trash, confessed that he and this friend had been in a relationship for the past 3 years! This would explain why this “friend” was so passionate.  So he basically sold me an entire lie and I bought it. Sadly, my feelings are really hurt, because we talked about the future and etc.  He was a great guy beyond the lies and drama. Things certainly happen for a reason.

-Confused

Dear Confused,

Thank you for writing to me.  First off, thank you so much for letting me know I’m your “go-to” for unbiased advice.  I really pride myself in the perspective I offer on dating and relationships, and am thrilled that you appreciate it.  So again thank you.  Now in terms of this scenario, there is a lot to r unpack in this letter, and I’m going to try to address all of it.

Let’s start with your instincts.  As long as a person is sane and rational, he should trust his instincts.  Instincts help protect a person from potential danger and/or shady situations.  Your instincts started yelling at you when you saw May’bae and his friend interact, and apparently with good reason.  They were trying to warn you about an incredibly complicated situation.  Unfortunately, it sounds like you tried to quiet your instincts because of your infatuation with May’bae.  And that’s understandable.  Heck, who hasn’t fallen for someone and ignored their instincts in the process?  I know I have. You just have to hope with experience comes wisdom, and you’ll do better the next time.

Now moving onto May’bae and his lying.  Based off what you shared, my gut tells me that while he wasn’t honest with you about his past with his ex-boyfriend, he does in fact view him today as just a friend. Or at least he’s trying to.  It sounds like this guy didn’t properly end things with his ex before moving on with you.  I’m not saying he was dating you and the friend at the same time necessarily, but I am saying the way he “ended” things with the ex obviously wasn’t good enough.  May’bae didn’t make it clear to the guy that they were finished.  With all the continued interaction between May’bae and the ex, who can blame the poor guy for still being in love with your former future bae.

Since you’ve been following my blog, then you know I believe that under most circumstances exes cannot be friends, just friendly.  May’bae and his ex-boyfriend illustrate exactly why I feel the way I do.  When people break up and then try to be friends, lines often get blurred and signals get crossed. One person or both more often than not, wind up developing romantic feelings again. If May’bae really wanted to move on, then he should have cut things off from the old boo thang.  But my same gut also tells me that May’bae likes the fact his ex depends on him (that’s a story for another day however).

Having said all of this, I believe that you and May’bae built a strong connection.  You two may have been even able to grow from a situationship to a relationship.  However, his baggage is a lot to deal with and I’d tell people to do what you did, and walk away.  He has to clean house in his personal life before adding someone to the mix.  As it stands now, he’s not being fair to anyone by keeping around an ex that’s still in love, and sending mix signals to the ex, and maybe even you.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Listen to your instincts. If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, pay attention.  No matter how much you may be in like, lust, or love.

 

  1. Continue to know your self-worth. You did a good job knowing that you deserved better in a mate.

 

  1. Remember, everyone is going to have their baggage, it’s just up to you to know what baggage you can handle.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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