relationships

Reclaiming My Ex… Or at Least I Think I Want To

Tavion,

This may be a short letter, but it’s a little complicated.  Or maybe not, I’m not sure yet.  Sorry if it seems like I’m rambling, but my mind is a little all over the place.  I admitted to myself a few days ago that I still love my ex-boyfriend, and I’m not what to do.  For starters, me and my ex broke up about a year and a half ago and we both moved on.  Well theoretically I guess.

He’s been dating this guy for about 4 months, and I’ve had my current boyfriend for about a year.  Because my ex and I share mutual friends, we see each other from time to time.  So we are in each other’s face. Long story short, over the past month we’ve been talking more frequently and I just miss him. I still love him. I haven’t told him that yet, and we haven’t been sleeping around behind our boyfriends’ back, but I want to. Sleep together, not necessarily cheat. And while I haven’t talked to my ex about getting back together, I think he may want me as bad as I want him. I don’t what to do here, so yeah, help.

-Dumb or Confused

Dear Dumb or Confused,

Thanks for writing to me.  Based on what you wrote, I have to agree with you that your situation is a little complicated.  There are several moving parts here, and I have to consider them all when giving you my advice. So bear with me as I move from point to point.

First things first, you falling for your ex again touches on one of the main reasons why I say exes can’t be friends but friendly (in most cases).  When a person is constantly hanging around an ex, it makes it harder to move on.  Heck Deborah Cox and RL sang an entire song about this exact argument.

Well I don’t need to convince you in the validity of the song, you’re basically living it. However, you and your ex aren’t the only ones involved in this scenario. You both have boyfriends, which brings me to point two.

Based on what you wrote, I’m under the impression you jumped into a relationship with your current boyfriend without processing what happened between you and your ex.  You didn’t give yourself time to mourn the end of one romance before jumping into another.  You didn’t ask yourself if the end had to be the end.  Despite what some people say, the best way to get over a man is NOT by getting under a new one.   In fact, all you’ve managed to do is find yourself in an awkward love triangle.  Actually, you’re in a love square, you’re ex’s boyfriend is involved in this too.  I’m having a bit of TV Déjà vu, because this reminds me of Grey’s Anatomy with Meredith, Derek, Addison, and Finn the Veterinarian.  (If the reference is lost on you, forget about it.)   Anyway, you’ve got more than you and your ex’s feelings to consider.

Given that’s the case, I think you may want to consider proposing to your boyfriend that you and he take a break.  You may love your current bae, but you’ve got unresolved feelings you need settle with your ex before you and your boyfriend go any further.  Having some alone time will help you sort out whether you want to be in a committed relationship with your ex, or just miss certain good things about him. Which brings me to point three.

It’s less than smart trying to reunite with an ex unless he, you, or the both of you, have changed in some way.  You and your former love are connecting, no doubt remembering the good things that made you two work.  But what about the bad times in your old relationship?  Have one or both of you made the necessary changes personally to be better partners to each other? For example, if you two broke up because of bad communication, who has taken steps to be a more effective communicator?  If you guys called it quits because of infidelity, who has taken steps to restore trust?  Heck, if infidelity was involved, can the injured party extend forgiveness and really start over? Has the guilty party changed habits to remove temptations to cheat? All in all, no sense in getting back together to repeat mistakes.

 

Suggestions Going Forward

  1. Be straight with your ex and ask him how he feels about you two. There’s a chance you’re misreading the situation and he doesn’t want to reunite like you do.

 

  1. Regardless of whether or not your ex still loves you, be fair to yourself and your current boyfriend and take a break. You don’t have to necessarily break up for good, but you need time to clean up the mess in your love life.

 

  1. If you and your ex decide to give it another go, make sure he breaks up with his boyfriend and you do the same before jumping back into a relationship. Just a respect thing.

 

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

 

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