friendship, relationships

I Have Forgiven My Boyfriend, but My Friends Haven’t. What Do I Do?

T,

What would you do if you were me? I’m having a hard time getting my friends, my sister, and my cousin to like my boyfriend. No matter what I do, they act like they can’t give him a break, and he’s done nothing to them. They are always cordial to him or whatever, minus my sister, but anytime we all hang out you can tell there is tension in the air.  It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even bring him around when I’m with them and vice versa, and that’s no way to live.  I want everybody to accept my baby and love him like I do.  Or at least be happy I’ve found a good man.

If you’re thinking he’s done something to my friends and family, you’re wrong.  He hasn’t done a thing to them. Directly anyway.  My boyfriend cheated on me twice and my crew supported me through it each time. When I told them he changed when he and I got back together this last time, they didn’t buy it. So again, what would you do if you were me?

From,

Vic 94

Dear Vic 94,

Thanks for writing to me. I’m just going to jump right into the advice here because I’m pretty sure what’s going on, and I have to believe you do too. You did what many people in a relationship do, air your relationship dirty laundry to your inner circle.  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing until it is.

Have you ever heard the expression “Once you see it, you can’t unsee it”?  Well that expression reflects the position your family and friends are in now. You’ve unveiled all the ugly about your relationship and they can’t “unsee” that.  They can’t “unsee” the tears you shed, the angry tantrums you threw, or the restless nights you spent in emotional pain. Your family and friends can’t “unknow” that your boyfriend hurt you, and therein lies the problem.

A lot of times, it’s harder for family and friends to forgive a guy that has harmed their loved one. Mainly because they aren’t the ones madly in love with the guy, and have never been intimate with him. (We hope the last one is true.)  Trust me, as a person that has had friends run back to men that did them wrong, I’m not always jumping up and down in excitement for them or their rekindled situation.  In my case, it’s not that I don’t forgive their boyfriends, it’s more so I haven’t forgotten.  And I hate to see people stuck in romantically destructive patterns. But at the end of the day, I’m always nice and cordial to the boyfriends because I’m supportive of my friends’ right to make choices. And it sounds like your crew, minus your sister, are trying to be supportive of your right. Even if they aren’t doing cartwheels in celebration.

On a side note, I think it’s worth mentioning again I don’t believe all guys that have cheated are bad people. Because we are all human, we are all inclined to make mistakes and bad decisions from time to time. You have made your share, just as I have made mine. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I’m a bad guy because of my poor judgment calls.

Suggestions going forward:

  1. Don’t let your family and friends in on EVERY aspect of your relationship. Especially, if you think you are going to keep your boyfriend in your life despite every issue you two face. You’ll spare your loved ones from being in the awkward position of disliking the man you love.

 

  1. Don’t keep your man away from your family and friends. That’s only going to make things worse. Slowly reintroduce the two groups. Help your family and friends get to know the changed man you said your boo has become.  I have no idea how long it will take for everyone to be legitimately cool again, but that depends on your circle’s ability to let go of a grudge.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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