My boyfriend and I have been going out for about six months. We met on holiday and jumped straight into a serious relationship. A week before my birthday he invited me to go interrailing with him and a couple of his friends. I was delighted, but unsure of the logistics as I am only 17 and he and his friends are 18.
He has now uninvited me which really hurt my feelings. I don’t think he should have asked me if he wasn’t sure and I tried to tell him how it really upset me but he didn’t seem to be that understanding. What should I do?
Thanks for writing to me. I remember being in my teens, but unlike you I was not brave enough to explore any romantic feelings. Heck, I don’t think I even allowed myself to have romantic feelings at that age. My friends and I always joke that I was asexual until college. But anyway, enough of my oversharing and onto the advice you’re asking for.
I’m not entirely sure what “interrailing” is, however I don’t really need to know to help you. What I would like to know, is the reason he gave you for uninviting you. That information would help give me some insight on whether you’re justified at being upset with him, or whether he’s justified in not understanding why you have a problem with all of this. Based on what you did write, I’m left to make a few assumptions.
First, it’s possible that your boyfriend uninvited you because he prematurely invited in the first place. Perhaps he told you about the trip and wanted you to come, but his friends envisioned a trip with just them. As in their core group of friends only, no partners. If that’s what happened, he had no choice but to tell you that you couldn’t go on the trip. You’re justified under these circumstances to be a little pissed that he invited you to go “interrailing.” He should have checked first. At the end of the day though, if this is supposed to be a trip for he and his friends only, then you have to accept the fact you won’t be going on a trip with him this go around.
Now it’s also possible your boyfriend uninvited you because you are 17, and you not being 18 would limit a lot of things that he and his friends want to do. Or you can view it as you wouldn’t be able to do much because you would be restricted due to your age. If this is the reason behind him changing his mind, then you shouldn’t be mad, but appreciate the favor he did you by not allowing you to go. Think about it. It’s like a group of 21 year old guys inviting a 20 year old to hang with them in Vegas. There is not a ton a 20 year old can do in Vegas if the rest of his older party plans on gambling and clubbing. And your boyfriend and his friends could be planning to do a lot of things that would require your parental consent.
Again, I’m not completely sure why you were uninvited, and how he did it. But if he truly cares about you and you two haven’t been having problems in your relationship lately, he probably has a good reason. And he probably had no intentions on hurting your feelings. You just have to tell him one more time that you are hurt he uninvited you, and ask for more clarity on why he felt that was necessary.
Suggestions going forward.
- The expression “pick your battles” is a great one to keep in mind when dating someone. No one wants to fight over everything with their significant other. So make sure this issue is worth the argument.
- I suggest you plan a friends trip of your own with your own friends. Plan the trip because you want to have fun and take your mind off being uninvited, not because you want to be petty.
As always nothing but love,