relationships

If the Relationship Is No Longer Working for You, You Can Leave

Hello T,

Nice work here, and talking to you is like talking to a big bro.  Ok that being said, I am a top guy and I am in love with this guy crazily and I know he loves me back in ways I can’t recant. I would say we are perfectly made in heaven for each other.  When we are together I feel like nothing else matters.  We met 6 years ago and he was straight and he wanted to explore the gay side and that’s when we got together. Since then, we’ve done everything together. We have built our lives together like a married couple. But about a month ago he invited his ex-girlfriend home, and one thing led into another and they had sex in the night while I was asleep.

To cut the long story short, ever since that one night of sex, a relationship has been born between them.  Like she comes over virtually every week and he has introduced her to everyone around as his girlfriend.  They talk about things that signals marriage in the long run, but he tells me he only likes her but loves me. He says she is a public cover because of the environment we come from typically African. Right now, I am confused and I feel broken.  I feel like a square peg that has been forced into a round hole. He feels he doesn’t have a future with me beyond this. T, I can’t find words anymore but I just hope you get the picture. I think of going out to have my own share of it all but that would signal payback………

-Karibi

Dear Karibi,

Thanks for writing to me.  First off, I want to thank you for your kind words about my website here.  I’m glad you feel like talking to me is like talking to a big brother, because that’s definitely the feeling I was going for when I started According to T.  So again, I appreciate you telling me this.  Now enough about me, and onto you.

I’m sorry to hear about the relationship problems you and your boyfriend are going through. The issues you wrote about actually sound similar to those I helped a guy out with a couple of weeks ago.  He too was dealing with a boyfriend who was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend, and was uncomfortable with that arrangement. And I can’t blame him or you for being upset by that kind of situation. I for one would be beyond pissed and wouldn’t go for it.  But, I’m in the U.S. where generally people are more accepting of same-sex lifestyles.  Taking your environment and culture into mind, I’m going to offer you some kind advice mixed in with some tough love.

For starters, six years is a long time to be with someone. In six years you really get to know a person.  You get to know what turns him on and he in turn gets to discover what pisses you off. You get comfortable.  And who doesn’t like to be comfortable?

However, when folks get comfortable they often find themselves putting up with things and habits they normally wouldn’t want to put up with, because they don’t want to move on.  They rather put up with what they know isn’t great because they fear the unknown of anything new.  As if something new means something worse off.

Think about that pair of pants you own that probably are worn out, may have an unintentional hole in them, and may even have a stain on them somewhere. Heck you’ve may have tried to fix and repair them numerous times, only for another issue with them to surface. Despite the pants no longer being of great quality, you can’t find the nerve to throw them away and just wear newer pants.  You don’t think the new pants will treat you right.  At least not like the old pair.   The old ones are just too comfortable to toss, so you keep them.  (By the way, we all have at least one of pair of pants like these. Heck I know I do.)

Getting back to my point. You have to ask yourself if you are staying in this situation with this guy, where you obviously feel disrespected, because you find your relationship comfortable. Because you don’t want to go back on the market. Especially in a culture where the LGBT dating market is hard to navigate.

And yes I know you love him and he says he loves you, but do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is not sacrificial with their love?  What I mean by that, is do you want to be with someone that rather save face than save what he has with you? He rather have this girl and parade her around as his girlfriend to put up some kind of front, than spare your feelings. You deserve better.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. I’ve never been one for ultimatums, but if what this guy is doing is making you this upset, tell him so. Tell him you aren’t comfortable with your arrangement, and things are going to have to change in order for you to stay invested in him. You don’t have to stay in this relationship as is, and you don’t deserve to feel like second place in his life.

 

  1. I didn’t mention it up above, but you in your own words said this guy claimed not to see a future with you beyond this point in your lives. Don’t ignore that.  If you want to build a future with someone past what you and this guy have managed to build currently, then it may be time to move on. Dust yourself off, work on your mental and physical, and put the best version of yourself back in the Singles Pond.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott.

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