Please help a brother out! I have a huge dilemma. I’m Black, Bisexual, Christian, and Undetectable…..need I say more? It has become extremely difficult to have a lasting relationship with either gender. I have been cut short because of my race, my beliefs, my sexuality, and/or my status. I am at a point where I’m ready (been ready) to settle down, build a life with my partner, and start a family. What to do?
Thank you for writing to me. I’ll be glad to help you out with this dilemma. Let me start by saying that trying to find a soulmate is perhaps one of the most complex things a human can ever do. Trust me, the journey to finding true love doesn’t somehow get easier just because you identify as one way or the other. While the journey will more than likely be different from one person to the next, it won’t necessarily be easier. So don’t be hard on yourself just because you’re black, bisexual, Christian, and undetectable.
I know plenty of people that are sick of being single just like you. They are sick of swiping left or right on apps, are tired of going on first dates, and are over having to explain to their friends while Jim, James, Paul, or Tyrone didn’t work out. (Feel free to shout “yesssssss, me too”.) I get it. When you want love and can’t seem to find it, it sucks. I know from personal experience. However, I’m going to tell you like I tell the “single and ready to mingle” people around me. Use this time in your life to do two things. One, do some self-evaluation. Two, take a deep look at your approach to dating.
Self-evaluation is so important. It’s especially important to do while you’re single. Do some soul searching, and think about things you can work on in preparation for your future mate. For example, if you know you have a tendency to be a bad communicator or emotionally unavailable, work on fixing those issues. Communication in a relationship is already a hard task to master, so get ahead of the game by taking time to work on your communication skills now should you be a horrible communicator. If you need help opening up emotionally, go get the counseling during your single season so you can be ready for your bae.
Also, I know you said you are ready for a lasting relationship, but I’m going to advise you to check with yourself to make sure that is indeed what you want. I hear and see folks complaining all the time about how they want a relationship, but in actuality just want companionship. There is definitely a difference. I wrote a whole post about the topic. You should give it a browse.
Getting back to my point about looking at your approach to dating. Take a minute and think about where you are trying to find your Prince or Princess Charming. Are you combing hookup sites looking for a spouse? I mean, you wouldn’t go into a McDonald’s expecting to find a taco. And recall some of the early conversations you and your dates are having. If you’re talking about sexual positions and number of partners on the first date, that’s not setting you up for relationship longevity with a person. It’s setting you up for a “situationship” at best.
Suggestions going forward.
- Don’t get to wound up about not finding your partner yet. Things will happen in due time. I know this will sound cliché, but it’s often true. Love has a habit of finding you when you’re not looking. So work on you in the meantime.
- Again, analyze your approach to dating. It helps.
As always nothing but love,