Hey Mr T,
I love your blog. The advice is always awesome. But I am currently talking to someone but I am in love with my best friend who is also currently talking to someone. I want to tell him how I feel but I don’t want to mess up a great friendship or make things awkward between us. We talk everyday all day. We take trips together. Do things together all the time. I just don’t know what to do because I’m in love with him but vibing with someone else. What should I do?
A lost love
Dear A Love Lost,
Thanks for writing to me and letting me know that you like my blog. Like I always say, it feels good to know that people enjoy reading my words of advice. Now in terms of the advice I have for you with your dilemma, I’m going to try and keep it brief.
Despite what TV programs and movies show, confessing your forbidden feelings to a friend can be complicated. I know that films like Love & Basketball and Brown Sugar, and sitcoms like Friends and Boy Meets World will have you thinking that the guy brave enough to express his feelings to his best friend always gets his true love in the end. However, that’s not always the case. Not to be a pessimist or anything, but allow me to recap a story of one of my best friends.
Picture it, a New Year’s Eve party where me and my closest straight friends are having a good time. On this particular trip to NYC, my best friend “Calvin” brought his long-time friend “Stephanie”. Now Calvin and Stephanie had been close for years. Stephanie had spent the night over at Calvin’s house on occasion, they talked about their dating lives, and Calvin told things to her he wouldn’t tell the rest of us. Heck, Calvin had even dated two of Stephanie’s close friends.
Well anyway, during this New Year’s Eve party, the two crossed the line of friendship. Calvin went in for a kiss, and they got hot and heavy right there in the club. And after the two talked it out, Stephanie broke up with her boyfriend, Calvin dumped his girlfriend, and the once friends became a serious item. Unfortunately, after two years Calvin and Stephanie ended things never to be friends again. They couldn’t get their friendship back on track.
I tell this story because I want to offer you a potential scenario if you and your buddy become an item after you work up the nerve to express your feelings. As I told Calvin before him and Stephanie entered their relationship, once you move forward on feelings, there is almost no chance of returning to the friend zone if things don’t pan out romantically. So, that’s a risk you’ll want to be aware of should you open up to your buddy.
There’s also a chance that revealing your emotions to your friend may make things awkward between you two simply because he doesn’t share in your feelings. You’ll feel weird hanging around him because you’ll know you put yourself out there and got shot down, and he’ll analyze everything he does to make sure he doesn’t send any romantic vibes your way. However, things can go back to normal, but it would just take some time.
With all of this said, there is a possibility that you opening your mouth could lead to your happily ever after. Your friend could in fact be the love of your life, and just needs you to light the fire. As the saying goes, “closes mouths don’t get fed.” If you think that your friend could be the love of your life and there’s a possibility he feels the same way about you, then by all means go for it.
Suggestions going forward.
- Before you profess your love, try testing the waters first. For example, have a conversation with your friend and say something like “People are always asking if we’re dating or ever slept together, isn’t that crazy?” Pay close attention to his reaction. If he casually laughs it off and agrees, or says something like “that’s not so crazy,” you may have a greenlight to tell him how you feel.
- Just weigh the risks and rewards of speaking up. At the end of the day, only you know if it’s worth unveiling your secret.
As always nothing but love,
P.S. Your question reminds me of this great Demi Lovato song. Check it out!