relationships

My Boyfriend’s Friend Uninvited Me and I’m Uptight About It

Hey T,

It’s definitely been a while since I’ve visited your site.   I have always enjoyed the advice you’ve given others, along with your viewpoint.  So here’s the situation….  My boyfriend and I had planned to take a trip together (for an organization he is affiliated with).  The purpose of me going was just so that he’d have someone to ride with him and also to be supportive.  Initially we were supposed to stay with his friend (who’s married), but he learned that his friend’s spouse has apprehension of house guests that he doesn’t know (Understandable, right?).  Being that my boyfriend is currently in between jobs right now, it was more economical to crash at his friends place.  After telling the friend that he would like to come but really wants me to come along with him, the friend suggests that he just comes alone.   My boyfriend gave it some thought and said, sure I’ll still come.  I am feeling a certain type of way about it, because I feel that my plans have now been altered and it doesn’t show us “strong” or unified.  I want to bring it up to him but I don’t know how to approach it without being argumentative and want to avoid any conflict of him having to choose.  Any suggestions? What’s your take on this with provided info?

-Uninvited

Dear Uninvited,

Thanks for writing to me. I’m glad you enjoy the advice I shell out on here. Like I always say, I’m no Iyanla Vanzant, but I like to think I offer some good words of wisdom from time to time. Hopefully you’ll still be a fan of my site after I tell you what I’m about to tell you.

While I completely understand why you may feel insulted by your boyfriend’s friend essentially uninviting you to his home, I don’t think you should be upset with your boyfriend.  Based on what you said in your letter, the purpose of the trip is for your boyfriend to attend an event for his affiliated organization.  I’m sure he’s planning to hang out with his friends and/or colleagues and talk about the good times they shared.  Heck, he probably anticipates creating new memories as well.  The point I’m trying to get at, is that this trip is really all about him.

Yes, I understand your bae invited you to go on this trip with him.  However, you yourself said the whole reason you planned on going with him is to be supportive.  To be his helpful copilot. Unfortunately, his friend and the friend’s spouse threw you a curveball. And while your boyfriend did advocate for you with his friend, his friend didn’t go for it.  So your boo was given the option to stay home or connect with his buddies solo. I know this sounds like I’m giving you a recap of information you already know, but I’m hoping me repeating this all back to you makes you realize something.  That again, this trip isn’t really about you or your relationship.

Once more I get it. You made plans. But your plans at the end of the day were based on helping your boyfriend.  While you may not be going with him anymore, he still needs your support in the form of “consent.”  Send him off with a smile, and let him know you hope he has a good time.

Lastly, him going on this trip without you is in no way a reflection on your relationship.  It doesn’t mean you two aren’t “unified”, and it doesn’t mean you two have a weaker bond. All it means, is that your boyfriend is respectful of his friend’s wishes. To be honest, your boyfriend’s friend’s relationship appears a little suspect if anything.  It’s odd he wouldn’t trust his husband’s friend and significant other to stay in their home. But I digress.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. If you really want to go on this trip and have the coin, just consider getting a hotel for you and your boo.  Hotels.com and Travelocity are my go to websites when I want to find a deal on a hotel.

 

  1. Don’t be upset with your boyfriend. He’s going to hang out with his friends.  Let him. You go hang with your friends and enjoy some alone time.

 

  1. Know how to pick your battles. Since you wrote to me, I’ll tell you that potentially arguing with your boyfriend over this is not worth it.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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