Dating, friendship

If He’s Not that into My Friend, Why Can’t I Date Him?

T,

It’s my first time with this so I’m hoping the advice you give will really help me out here.  I’m stuck between trying to be a good friend and trying to pursue my man.  Or at least I want him to be my man. Long story short, friend and I go to bar for happy hour.  While there, we both meet this guy at the same time. My friend and I both find him attractive, but since I’m shy and my friend is not, he winds up making play for the guy and getting his number.  While my friend’s personality is definitely bigger than mine, the guy and I clicked. Yet again, my friend got his number.  When I got home later that same night, the guy sends me a friend request and DM.  From that initial DM, the guy and I exchanged numbers, and have been talking nonstop for about a week and some change.

I recently told this guy, that he can’t try talking to me and talking to my friend at the same time.  He assures me that he hasn’t been talking to my friend like that, but my friend keeps hitting him up.  The guy showed me the text messages and it’s clear that he’s been trying to distance himself from my friend, but my friend is still in pursuit. When I asked my friend if he still talks to the guy from the bar, he says yes. But again, I know the guy is not that into him and I’ve seen it for myself.

My question for you is, what do I do?  I really do like this guy and we really just vibe. On the other hand, I have my friend who I’m not trying to hurt.

From,

The Boy Is Mine

Dear The Boy Is Mine,

Thanks for writing to me.  As I was reading your letter, a few clips were playing in the background of my mind.  For example, I started thinking about the episode of Living Single when Khadijah, Max, and Regine were all trying to pursue their new neighbor played by Morris Chestnut.   I also thought about the plotline of the Spider-Man movie with Toby Maguire, where Peter Parker is competing with his best friend Harry Osborn over Mary Jane.  Although they are both Hollywood examples of similar scenarios, both illustrate the point that friends romantically chasing after the same person can get complicated.

 

 

So while we all grow up and hopefully mature, most of us still rely on an age old system we were taught as children.  We still “call dibs.”  Whether we’re calling dibs on a parking space, or dibs on a particular seat, or dibs on the last slice of grandma’s famous pound cake, we still place a sense of claim on things we want to call our own using this system we were taught as kids.  And we use this same system when it comes to men.

Now, you said you and your friend met this guy at the same time, and both attempted to talk to him. However, due to what sounds like your friend’s more outgoing personality, he was able to monopolize the conversation with this man and eventually secure his phone number.  Once your friend got the digits, you considered this to be his way of calling dibs, and any shot you had with this guy you met to be done and over.

But then came the plot twist.  The guy made the effort to locate you on social media and then message you directly.  That says to me that from the very beginning perhaps this guy wasn’t as into your friend as you and your friend thought.  This man probably gave your friend his number because he was either trying to be nice, or thought he and your friend had something but later realized his mistake. Regardless of the reasoning, I’d say the original dibs your friend thinks he has on this guy are null and void.

You’re probably wondering if I’m telling you to go full steam ahead with this guy or not?  In short, I’d say if you and this man share a true connection, then by all means keep talking to him and see where it leads. However, I do think you owe your friend the respect not to keep your interest in this mystery man a secret.  Especially, because your friend believes he is “talking” to someone and he isn’t at all.  I think we both know you and this potential bae of yours were a tad shady having sidebar conversations about your friend and his perhaps “thirst.”  You’ve got to put your cards on the table with your friend, and this guy needs to be a man and tell your friend he’s not interested.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Don’t take any more steps forward with this person until you and your friend have a conversation and square things away. Now let me warn you, your friend may feel some time of way that you’ve been sneaking around behind his back.  In fact, if your friend gets too upset about what’s going on, you may find yourself having to choose between a good friend and good mate potential.
  2. Remember, “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” You have to start speaking up for what you want. Should a situation arise again where you and your friend meet someone at the same time, just don’t back down because you don’t quite have a talkative personality.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

P.S. : A similar situation arises in Majoring in Me: Acceptance. Except the one in the novel is a lot more complex. Check it out!

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