Dating

Getting Back in the Dating Game in this Day and Age

Tavion,

I’m an older gent, single now for over 3 years. I had a really bad break up with a man I thought was my soulmate. We dated 6 for years. He was a couple years younger than I am.

I’m writing because ever since the break-up, there have been a plethora of younger men interested and bold enough to chase after me. I’m recently 46, but there have been younger men from early 30’s down to 19 declaring interest in me. This new dating scene is something to behold! My DMs across a few social media platforms have all been messaged and it’s not limited to race.

I recognize that I do not look my age as most black folks don’t. I’m just not sure what the appeal is. Not sure how to handle the attention. And really not sure why men my own age seem to be aloof, disinterested, confused and not sure what they want.

These younger fellas seem to know what they’re after, successful, intelligent, thoughtful and complete packages. But they also want to party every weekend and drink. That is no longer a life I wish to have. I’d like to settle down, cuddle and quietly build an empire. But everything I look to on all sides seems unstable.

What are good dating tips that could lead to something long term on either side of these fences I’m seeing? I’m ready to date/court, but, I don’t want to be some fling or ‘experience to see what it’s like’ either.

I hope all this makes sense.

Sincerely,

A Grey Existence

Dear A Grey Existence,

Thanks for writing to me.  Let me start off by saying congratulations.  While there are some people out here (white, brown, and/or black) aging like cottage cheese, you’ve managed to age like a fine wine.  So whatever skin and healthcare regimen you’ve got going on, keep it up.  Based on what you described, it’s working.

Look, as far as your love life is concerned, I want you to first be able to humbly accept the attention.  No matter who the person is, being found attractive and hit on, is flattering.  It helps remind you that you still got the juice.  You don’t have to brag or anything, but it’s okay if you want to do a little internal celebration.  I won’t judge you.

Now let me warn you about making age generalizations.  When I was in my early 20s, I came across my share of men in their 40s and 50s who lived at the club. Heck to be honest, by my mid-20s I “prematurely” phased out the club scene, and found myself only going to clubs on birthdays and when out of town guests came to visit. People wanting to be in the club all of the time is not necessarily reflective of age, but of interests, and sometimes maturity. I say all of that to say this, you can find guys in their 20s and 30s who are more interested in chasing checks and Netflix chilling, than constant drinking and club hopping. But there is no way of knowing what these younger guys in your inbox and DMs like, until you message them back and get attempt to get to know them.

If you are trying to date to find a man, and not date for the sake of dating and “getting some”, then I recommend you attempt to get to know guys with as much sexless conversations as possible. What I mean is, don’t allow your get-to-know you convos to be immediately focused around who’s a top or a bottom.  Or how many partners one another have had.  And please don’t engaged in exchanging real-life photos of eggplants and peaches, if you know what I mean.  Starting off a dating situation with super sexualized dialog, is the fastest way to end up in fling territory. As important as sexual attraction and passion are to a relationship, they aren’t the sturdiest foundations to build one on.

Lastly, I encourage you to have a healthy amount of endurance for this dating game. So often people wind up in the wrong relationships, because they settle down with the wrong people, all because they simply were tired of looking and dating.  Trying to find a good partner requires that you be willing not to settle.  So if you’re gut tells you a person is not the one, no matter how good he may look on paper, listen to your gut and keep it pushing.  It will save you some drama and heartache in the long run.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. While it’s important to have standards when it comes to dating, make sure your standards are realistic.

 

  1. Date men that are your type and those you wouldn’t usually go for. Since your relationship ended three years ago, you may find that your usual type has changed a bit.

 

  1. If you find the men your age aren’t giving you any attention or play, then be open to entertaining those who are.

 

  1. Remember, if your conversation with anyone is immediately pulled to sex, then that’s a red flag.

 

  1. Just be careful with the DM. It can be both a good and a bad dating tool.

 

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

 

 

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