Dating, friendship

I Want the Man My Friend is Dating

T,

I’m in a bit of a situation, and it’s not a good one.  I’ll try to keep this short and to the point. So about 3 months ago, me and my friend went to a house party and I met this guy I’ll call Mark.  Mark and I were really vibing with each other, but at the time I was in a relationship.  Because I was committed to my ex, but thought Mark was a good guy, I introduced him to my friend. Since that night, the two have been talking and went on dates, but aren’t in a relationship.  My friend says he likes Mark, but isn’t sure he wants to be tied down to one person. Heck, he dates Mark and two other people right now.

The dilemma is, Mark and I have been texting since we met.  Our conversations weren’t romantic or anything at first, because again I was boo’d up and I introduced him to my friend. We would talk about sports, shows, and life in general. However, in the back of my mind I still felt drawn to him, and I’m pretty sure the attraction is mutual. Since I’ve broken up with my ex about a month ago, Mark and I have been flirting. Trust me I know it’s bad because Mark is talking to my friend.  Well what’s even worse, is that I’m tired of sneaking behind friend’s back, and I’m tired of not being able to act on my attraction.  I want to be with Mark. With all that said, I’m not sure how to handle this problem. Hopefully, you can help.

From,

Unintentional Triangle

Dear Unintentional Triangle,

Thanks for writing to me. Your alias is perfect, given the situation you’re in with your friend and this Mark. I sense you’re writing me because you hope that in the near future, you can lay claim to Mark as your man, while maintaining your relationship with your friend. Now some people will look at your dilemma and say it can’t be done.  However, let me walk you through this so you can draw your own conclusions.

First things first, you need to talk to your friend. You should gauge his level of interest in Mark.  From what you described, he may not be interested in Mark in the way you are.  Especially, if your friend is dating other people at the moment. However, Mark could be your friend’s top choice and is just nervous about making things official.  In fact, he could talk to other guys here and there, but have put most of his eggs in the “Mark basket.”  Should that be the case, then you may want to scale back on your flirting and leave Mark alone for the sake of your friendship.

Also, it wouldn’t hurt you asking Mark straight up what’s going on between you two.  At least then you could possibly get clarity and be able to operate on facts and not assumptions. If Mark is not willing to leave the situation with your friend, then there is no need to continue to pursue him. A word of caution though, this conversation could get back to your friend, and that probably wouldn’t be great for the friendship.  But since you say you and Mark flirt, and I’m guessing your friend doesn’t know about that, it’s safe to bet Mark will probably keep a real conversation of this magnitude a secret.

Now I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t point this next thing out to you.  You’re wanting to be with this Mark guy and you’re under the impression that the attraction is mutual, but I’m a leery of Mark. I’m sure he’s funny, handsome, and overall a great guy.  However, I’m left wondering, if Mark likes you as much as you like him, why is he still dating your friend?   He must know the awkwardness of this “love triangle” and yet, he continues to perpetuate it by not breaking things off with your buddy.  I’m left to believe one of three things is going on here.

  1. He likes you, but also likes your friend.
  2. He’s just a big flirt and flirts with others regardless of boundaries.
  3. He hasn’t stopped seeing your friend, because he’s not sure if you’re willing to date him given his involvement with your friend. Mark rather be with someone, than no one, and continues to date the person that seems like a certainty at the moment.

Lastly, I feel it’s my job to make one more point perfectly clear.  While I understand you technically met Mark first, you passed on him and referred him to your friend.  Since your friend is now dating him, I’d say your friend had “claim” to him if any.  And I generally have always said, that there are too many men out here for you to be pursuing men your friends have been with. So am I oppose to you pursuing Mark? Well in short, yes. However, if there is true love on the line between you and Mark, then who am I to tell you don’t get your man? True love is hard to find.  But to be honest, I’m not sure if that’s what exist here.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Even if your friend is not as into Mark as you are, it doesn’t mean he will be okay with you trying to date him. In fact, there is a possibility that if you tell him that you are attracted to Mark, his attraction to Mark will all of a sudden increase, and he will give you the nastiest side-eye. Sometimes, people don’t realize the value and potential in something or someone until another person expresses an interest.

 

  1. Prepare for things to be uncomfortable with your friend for a while if you openly pursue Mark. There’s a chance he won’t mind at all and back away from Mark. However, there’s also a good chance he will feel you’re in violation of the friend code, and be offended. So be as sure as you can that Mark is willing to date you and he’s worth causing trouble in your friendship.

 

  1. You need to check yourself and be positive that Mark is not just a potential rebound situation. A rebound situation is not worth risking a good friendship.

 

  1. You just got out of a relationship, so don’t be so eager to jump into a new one. Take time to learn more about yourself and play in the dating field. As I said, there are many men out in these streets.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott.

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