Good evening, I’d first like to start off by saying how much I’ve enjoyed reading your advice the past couple of days. Ok, now to the point.
Over the past 2-3 months I’ve started hooking up with this man. Let’s call this man Trey. I met Trey very randomly through someone who neither one of associate with now. Anyways, the first time I met Trey we talked a bit and were watching TV. Next thing I remember I had Trey face down. You know the rest. Within that same week we hooked up 2 other times. Now when we originally first met we really didn’t delve into each other’s personal lives like that. However, the more we started to hook up we gradually opened up to each, or so I thought. Trey did eventually tell me he was seeing a woman and didn’t want me to stop anything I had or was doing with anyone male or female. Gradually the more we talked I learned when a “good” time to text or call him was and when I shouldn’t do those things. One night after the very good sex that we have I showered and then he did. While he was in the shower I took it upon myself to look in his wallet and I looked at his ID. Now this couldn’t have been but more than a month and a half in when I did this. To my surprise Trey wasn’t Trey but was someone else. When he got out the shower I had already put everything back and acted like nothing happened. In fact I had him bent over very shortly after he got out the shower.
Now after that night I didn’t think anything of it. Fast forward a couple of days later we were talking and he abruptly ended the conversation and wouldn’t answer my texts. I just so happened to be up late at night and I took it upon myself to see who he really was. Now at first I couldn’t find anything based on his name or number and it stumped me. However, being the private investigator that I am, I ended up finding a marriage license in the county public records. When I found that I tracked the wife down on Facebook and subsequently found him. Now her page is semi private and his is completely private. On hers because we aren’t friends it only shows old information. From what I’ve pieced together they have at least 2-3 kids. Two days later he comes over and we do our usual. We did go get food and for the first time I let him drive his car. Inside was a bumper sticker for a school that says “My child attends blah blah blah.” He did see me look at it and he acknowledged and said yes I have a kid that goes there. At this point I’ve never told him I know he is married or has probably more than one kid.
Like I said its only been about 3 months but we have both expressed our feelings for each other. We have talked about how this was just to be a fwb type of situation but we have come to actually care for each other more than that. But I “know” his situation about his girl (only what he believes I know, that he told me he has a girlfriend) and him not being out or really comfortable with his sexuality so we both have acknowledged that yes we care for each other but we can’t be together in the capacity that we want to.
He still does not know that I know he is legally married and I dont want or feel the need to tell him in fear or ruining our complicated situationship. I can be brutally honest and say I “justify” my actions (which I do feel morally wrong for sleeping with a married man) by saying that I don’t really know his situation. I feel like A) he could be divorced or separated (the reason i feel like he might be is because he usually stays over at my place until 2 or 3 am and I know no black woman or any woman for that matter is that oblivious or ok with her man coming home that late) B)he has spent the night C) I honestly just push the thought out of my head.
I said all of this to say that I feel foolish and wanted your advice on what I should do. Should I tell him I know he is legally married? Should I end things with him? Or should I ride it out until I move out of the city for my job in 2 months?
Lost and Confused
I apologize that this is so long. I didn’t want to miss anything
Dear Lost and Confused,
Thanks for writing to me. From what I gather here from your letter, as complicated as you may think your dilemma is, it’s not. In my opinion you should really be looking for the exit door to this situation and move on. And something tells me you already know that’s what you should do. But let’s walk through this.
First, let’s address the biggest issue in this situation. This guy is married. No matter how many late nights you may spend with, and regardless of how many times you may bend him over face first into a pillow, this man is technically not yours to have. I understand that he keeps coming back to you for more, but from reading your letter, every time he crawls in your bed, it sounds like the more feelings you catch for him. And catching feelings for a man that may never be yours, is a dangerous game. A game that will put you on one heck of an emotional roller coaster. Heck, you may actually already be on the beginning of the ride. I understand you all have talked about your feelings and know nothing will come of them, but pretty soon you will want something to come of it; and, become frustrated when he won’t allow it.
Now as you hinted at in your letter, there is a possibility that this guy is separated or headed for a divorce. However, I doubt that to be the case because he could have just told you that information, instead of lying and saying he has a “girlfriend”. So either he has a wife who is oblivious of his lifestyle, or he and his wife have some type of arrangement. Believe it or not, I’ve heard of married couples with a man and woman who happen to be gay and lesbian. The two get married to have a “traditional” family and portray that family unit to those around them. But behind closed doors, the two have an understanding that they are free to have sex with the same-sex partners of their choice. I know it sounds strange, but this is a thing. Not sure if this is the type of arrangement Trey is in with his wife or not, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Either way, it leaves you in a swirl of dishonesty and confusion.
You know I have to address your private investigator role. I can’t say I blame you for doing that one bit. When a man keeps crawling in your bed, and things start not to add up, it’s natural to become curious. And it’s not like you stalked him. You simply used the good old tool Google. Oh and your eyes, given you looked in his wallet. Given that you found out Trey is not his real name, and he didn’t mention a wife, and barely talked about his kids, I’d say he never intended on you finding out. Which means, he never intended to grant you access to all of him. Which in turn means, you are stuck in a situationship with a man that you continue to develop feelings for, but is not comfortable being honest and open with you. You deserve better.
Suggestions going forward
- If I were in your shoes, I would go ahead and try to put all the cards on the table. Let him know that you are aware that he is married and would like to know why he felt the need to keep lying to you for months. This should spark a conversation that you two need to have. If by the end of the conversation you two decide to part ways, honestly it’s for the best.
- Actually, end things regardless, because you’re moving away in two months and you’re catching feelings for a regular hookup which is especially bad here given the guy is married.
- As you pack your boxes and bags in preparation for the move, go ahead and think ahead about the dating situation in your new home.
As always nothing but love,