Dating

I’ve Been Dating BUT Can’t find My Man… I’m Sick of It

Hey T,

First off, your blog and advice is great! Secondly, is there like a secret guide to dating? I’ve been out the game for a while and think I’m ready to try again. Historically, I haven’t been very successful at dating. The few times it did go well and I had relationships, they all ended badly. I’m at a point now where my “biological clock” is ticking. I’m ready for a family.

-Seems Like I’m Ready

Dear Seems Like I’m Ready,

Thanks for writing to me, and I appreciate your kind compliments about my blog.  I tried to create a platform where people can stop by and feel completely comfortable to ask whatever is on their mind. And you’ve come with a “problem” that isn’t just unique to you. Trust me.

It seems as soon as we hit puberty, society starts a clock on how much time we have left to find a spouse, buy a house, and have 2.5 kids.  So in our very early 20s, we are condition to date with the intention of looking for a husband or wife. But once we approach our early to mid-30s and are still single, with no boo to settle down with in sight, we’re pressured by family members and society that it’s time to hit the panic button.  It’s in the stage of panic that I start to worry about folks.

When people hit the panic button, they tend to relax their dating standards and preferences a bit too much.  Now I’m all here for folks reevaluating their preferences to weed out unrealistic expectations.  However, trying to make things work with someone who clearly isn’t a match for you for the sake of “Happily Ever After,” is a recipe for disaster.  The only thing I take away from a mismatched relationship, is that two people are so in love with the idea of love that they will settle for an imitation version of it.  It’s like when you’ve been craving Chipotle all day, but you spot the crowded parking lot and long line, so you go to Moe’s instead.  Because you didn’t want to wait and have patience, you settled for something that looks like what wanted, but isn’t the real thing at all. (By the way I’m not knocking Moe’s, but I mean Chipotle is Chipotle lol).

I wish I could tell you ten easy steps to finding your perfect mate, but I’ve found that easy and dating are words that don’t really mix. For most people, trying to find Prince Charming, means they will have to kiss a lot of frogs.  And that’s OKAY!

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Instead of writing off all those frogs you’ve had to kiss along the way to finding your Prince Charming and forgetting about them, do some reflection. Think about why those guys or girls didn’t work for you, and perhaps what could you have done better to make those situations turn out differently.  Contemplate if you have a certain type that you date, and think long and hard if that type is working out for you.  It may be time to date outside your comfort zone.  (This is not about dating and settling down with anybody, it’s about the possibility you don’t really know the type of person most beneficial for you.  Dating outside of your normal will help you figure that out.)  Also, remember where you met these frogs.  Perhaps you need to change the lake where you going to catch them. As in change up the places and ways in which you meet men.

 

  1. Don’t be afraid to alter your approach to dating. If you are a person that usually initiates all of the communication between you and the individual you are dating at the time, let those that date you do a little more of the initiating.  If you normally like to have sex after date three, try getting to know the daters more before complicating things with sex.  Again, just don’t be afraid to try something new.

 

  1. Ask a friend if she would be willing to hook you up with someone that she thinks may be a match for you.

 

  1. While I’m fully aware of the constraints biology has placed on the human body in achieving some of the “American Dream,” I’m also aware that modern science continues to improve upon itself. So be patient, and don’t rush situations with people that aren’t supposed to happen.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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