Dating

I Found Out He Dated My Aunt

T,

I could use some of your help when you got a minute.  I like dating older men.  When I say older, I mean like dudes 15 or 20 years older than me in their 40s usually.  Something about that salt and pepper in the beard, maturity, and dad muscles really just do it for me. So I’ve been dating this one man for about three weeks now. He’s mad cool, and I could actually see this going somewhere.  Then I find out that he actually dated my one aunt back when they were in high school.  Like they legit went out together.  I may be bugging, but once I found that out I put him on pause. I haven’t answered his calls or messages.  I just can’t date someone that’s gone out with a relative. Especially my aunt.  I love that lady like a second mother.  But I really did like they guy. What would you do if you were me?

-Mr. Unwanted Triangle

Dear Mr. Unwanted Triangle,

Thanks for writing to me.  It sounds like you’ve found yourself in a very interesting situation.  Not many men can say they’ve dated a man that their beloved aunt also dated once upon a time.  If I’m honest, that sounds like a future storyline for one of the soap operas my grandmother watches. (She appreciates The Young and the Restless and Bold and the Beautiful.)  I’m sure that doesn’t make you feel better about this situation, so let me start answering your question.

If I were you in this scenario, I too would probably pump the breaks on this situationship before it even had a chance to develop into something more.  People that know me know I don’t date men that have been with my friends, let alone with a family member.  I just think there are too many eligible guys out here to scoop up an ex of someone in my inner circle.  Now I realize you didn’t set out to date someone that’s been out with your aunt, but once you discovered this factoid, you did something I would have done.  I mean I would have ended things with the guy before they went further.  How you went about severing ties with him, is not something I would have typically done.

I’m not a fan of just “ghosting” someone I’ve been dating or talking to.  If someone has invested their time in me, and I in them, I’d like to at a minimum send a text breaking things off should I sense things aren’t working out between us.  I just think it’s common courtesy.  So you could have at least replied to a message expressing you don’t think it’s wise to continue seeing each other. It’s not like you found out he was crazy (which in that case ignoring him would have been a good idea).

Look, should you actually be writing to figure out if it’s okay to date this man knowing what you know, I think that’s a decision for you to make based on what you’re comfortable with in a possible partner. You should think long and hard if this particular set of baggage from this man’s past is worth overlooking. Keep in mind, every person you date will have baggage.   Asking follow-up questions about the extent to which this man and your aunt messed around, will help you a great deal in determining if you should try working it out with this guy.  There’s a chance the two just went out a few times and didn’t kiss or fool around.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Again, if you want to try and swallow your discomfort, and attempt to continue seeing this man, then start asking some deeper questions about him and your aunt.
  2. If you decide him romantically interacting with a relative is too much, then at least text this man ending things properly.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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