Dating, relationships

When Should You Stop Seeking Closure from The Ex?

In one of those moments when my friends and I are were talking about any and everything, we began discussing relationships and closure.  We all agreed that should things go left in a relationship, and boos becomes exes, each person is entitled to closure. Each person deserves to know why and how things went left, if there is opportunity to reconcile, and certainty that remaining apart is the best option for both of them. However, not everyone will get closure when a relationship ends, and this brings me to the point of disagreement between my friends and myself.

So without giving too many details, I’m going to paint a picture of a real life scenario.  Two men started dating back in 2011.  One lived in the South and the other in the DMV.  After talking for a couple of months, they decided to get into a relationship, and the Southern Gent moved closer to his boyfriend.  After two years of being in a relationship, the Southern Gent realized that the man from the DMV was not someone who he wanted to be with long-term, and abruptly ended things. Unfortunately, the man from the DMV felt completely blind-sided, as he felt the two had a Beyoncé “Love on Top” type of situation. Some months after the breakup, which is the end of 2013 at this point, the Southern Gent started dating a man which he eventually married in 2016. The DMV Guy eventually entered into a relationship after the Southern Gent, but it was one of those rebound situations, and those rarely workout long-term.  After a year of dating The Rebound, the DMV Guy was again heartbroken as The Rebound ended things about five months ago.

Fast forward to recent times. The Southern Gent and the DMV Guy run into one another at a party thrown by mutual friends. Oh and the Southern Gent’s husband is present too. After drinks had been had, and liquored settled into systems, the DMV Guy began slipping into his feelings.  So much so in fact, that he wanted to assault the Southern Gent for making him fall in love, and then cutting him off without the closure he needed before marrying some other man. The DMV Guy claims to really want answers and closure from a relationship that ended a few years ago. However, the Southern Gent says he has had several conversations with this ex hoping to provide closure. Now the Southern Gent wants to reach out to the DMV Guy over the phone and have another “closure” conversation with the ex, hoping this time will be the last.  Bear with me, I’m getting to the point.

I for one don’t think the Southern Gent actually needs to have another discussion with his ex. If the Southern Gent has attempted talk with the DMV guy and apologize for how things ended and explain why the two were never going to work out, then what’s left to say?  It’s been about four years since the two were together, and I can’t see how another heart-to-heart will bring about the healing the DMV guy needs.  Plus, there is now a spouse in the picture.  The Southern Gent has to prioritize the feelings of his husband over a former lover. Not to forget the fact, that the DMV Guy literally wanted to go after the Southern Gent and fight him.  Yeah everyone is due closure, but under the circumstances, I just think it’s time the DMV Guy to accept that he may have been burned in love, and seek guidance (whether spiritual, professional, or both) on how to heal and move on.

Now my two friends who I was discussing this scenario with, vehemently disagreed with me. They felt as if the Southern Gent obviously hurt the DMV Guy a great deal emotionally, and that clearly the discussions the former couple have had weren’t of great substance. That perhaps the Southern Gent didn’t provide adequate answers as to why he broke up with his ex. That maybe, the Southern Gent didn’t apologize for hurting the DMV Guy. And my friends were even dismayed by the fact that all the chats the exes have had about their breakup, and actually the breakup itself, occurred via the phone. My friends think if the two had one more convo face-to-face, that then the DMV Guy might be able to move on.

Yet again, I don’t agree.  Yeah the Southern Gent should have at least broken up with his boyfriend of two years face-to-face, but he didn’t.  However, he has had several talks with the boy about the breakup via the phone since 2013.  But more importantly, the Southern Gent has gotten married.  He now must consider the feelings of his spouse.  And I don’t know too many husbands that want their mate to keep talking to an ex-boyfriend about the past. Especially, when the ex has sought to commit physical acts of violence against the spouse.  The DMV guy should really get some counseling, so he can put this behind him.  While we all deserve closure, sometimes we won’t get it from an ex.  That sucks I know, but as humans, we have to be able to forgive, leave the past, and open ourselves up to love in the future.

But I’m curious to know what some of you all think.  Message me or leave a comment.

-Tavion Scott

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