relationships

My Boyfriend Is Attracted to Men and Women, and I Hate It

 Hey you,

I came across your site and I thought I should just ask. So I’m gay and kind of never had the experience with a woman. No relationships, no sex, no whatever. If I compare myself to other gay guys it seems like the majority of gays had relationships and even sex with woman (I’m from Germany so I don’t know how it is compared to the US).

Anyway, it really made me feel quite bad because I think I’m missing out on something. I don’t feel any sexual attraction to women, but still it hurts me that I am kind of a minority inside of a minority (gay and no sex ever had with a woman).

So far this was kind of okay, but now with my boyfriend it’s a little harder.  He’s had one relationship with a girl and sex which already is hard for me. But on top of that, he has had sex once with another girl when he was already out of the closet with a girl who knew he was gay. He told me she provoked him. It lowered my self-esteem even more, because he can fuck women anytime he wants even though he’s not attracted sexually to women, in his words “it feels just mechanic”.

I know it’s kind of jealousy too, but I still need something more than somebody telling me not to be jealous.

I like him very much and want to overcome this. There was a moment when it came back to my mind and I felt disgusted while cuddling with him just because I imagined how he fucked that girl, but I didn’t tell him that

He told me that some weeks ago but I can’t stop thinking about it.

He also told me that he’s gay but when he drinks its easier for him to find woman attractive.  I asked him if I should worry if he will ever sleep again with a woman he said no. I’m sure he likes me and I want to free myself of this, but I can’t put down his past where he had sex with women.

I would be so glad if you could give me any advice please.

Thank you in advance.

-Bert

Dear Bert,

Thanks for writing to me.  Having read through your letter a few times, it sounds like you have a couple of issues going on that I want to address.  As always, I’m going to give you some unbiased and blunt advice, so I hope my words don’t make you feel too uncomfortable.  Anyway, let’s get started.

For starters, please know that you are not the only gay man that’s never had a relationship with or relations with a woman.  There are countless men that identify as a gay that have never been with the opposite sex, nor do they have the desire to do so.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong that.  I actually happen to fit in this category of men, and I’m more than okay with that.  I am who I am.  Just like I didn’t have to try skydiving to know that’s not something for me, I didn’t have to try being with the opposite sex to know I’m strictly into men. Now I did try dating women, but nothing ever progressed anywhere because I’m just not attracted to them in that way.  But back to you.

Stop feeling embarrassed or ashamed because you’ve never been with a woman.  And on another note, stop looking down on your boyfriend because he has been.  If he is perhaps bisexual, than that’s who he is.  He can’t change that. Bisexuals often get a bad rap.  Both heterosexuals and homosexuals, have a bad habit of dismissing bisexuals’ sexuality.  As if bisexual men and women are confused, or betraying team gay or team “straight.”  However that’s not the case.  They genuinely like men and women. Although they may prefer one over the other at any given time, they’re genuinely attracted to both sexes.   So again, don’t punish him for being who he naturally is, or feel threatened by it.

I have to ask, why does it really matter that your boyfriend may be bisexual?  Do you think that his attraction to both sexes somehow makes him more vulnerable to cheating on you?  Because if that’s what you are worried about, then don’t. Whether a man is attracted to both sexes or only one, if he wants to cheat he’s going to cheat. His sexuality has less to do with his likelihood of cheating, than does his desire to remain loyal and his love for you.  If your boyfriend hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, then stop stressing over all the “what-if” cheating scenarios in your head, should that be what you’re worried about here.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. I know you wanted to hear more than someone telling you to stop being jealous, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Stop being jealous! If you really like your boyfriend and want it to work, then you have to get out of your head, and enjoy your partner. The more you make his identity and past a problem, the more you do to sabotage your relationship.

 

  1. Just like being gay isn’t a choice, neither is bisexuality. You don’t want anyone punishing you because of who you are, so don’t punish your boyfriend for being who he is.

 

  1. Every single person has a past. And I’m sure every single person would prefer not to be prejudged because of certain things from their past. Keep that in mind.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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