Dating

Should I Date Outside My Comfort Zone?

T,

Recently was told about your site, and really liked what I saw.  You have some pretty good stuff on it.  It’s definitely helpful.  So I’m hoping you can offer me some helpful advice.  Not that I’m bitter or anything, but I’m sick of the single men out here on the market.  It seems like they are either, too self-absorbed and arrogant, a big hoe, or play too many games.  I just want to meet a good guy and be able to settle down in a relationship.  My sister told me I should try dating outside my type.    I usually prefer tall black masculine men, with abs, big arms, a firm chest, and a college degree. Thinking about leaving what I like, kind of makes me cringe.  Is it too much to ask that I find my perfect man without having to abandon all my preferences.  If I want a Morris Chestnut, why the hell should I have to settle for Carrot Top?  Interested in hearing from you.

From,

Where is My Damn Man

Dear Where is My Damn Man,

Thanks for writing to me.  As always, I appreciate the kind words and compliments in regards to my site.  I’m always humbled when people share with me positive feedback.  It reaffirms why I decided to start this blog in the first place.  So thank you.  Now let’s see if I can continue to offer helpful advice by answering your question.

Can I just say how much your letter highlighted the sentiments of many people in the single world?  While all those single ready to mingle may not share your preferences in men, countless folks can share your frustration with not finding the mate they’ve always envisioned for themselves.  They spend days, months, and years trying to find a good guy that fits their “type”, only to be disappointed by the men they’ve come across in their search.  Heck, I can relate.

Back in the day, I found myself having a certain type.  Let’s just say you and I had similar taste in men with the exception of the height and muscle requirement.  I typically was not drawn to people towering over me, with shredded abs and biceps on top of biceps. I preferred someone around my height that was thick and fit. (A person with muscles, but with a little more meat on his bones if you catch my drift.)  Like you though, I couldn’t find my dream guy to save my life. I felt like I was searching for a needle in a haystack, and was so sick and tired of looking. Which is why I stopped.  I had to take a step back to reassess both my approach to dating, and the men I was going after. And that’s exactly what I’m going to suggest you do.

For me, the time I took away from the dating game was a much needed break. During my hiatus, one of the things I did was sort out some personal things. As much as single folks like to blame the quality of men available for why they are single, that’s often a cop out.  While I have no doubt that it’s hard to find a good guy, I know many people often overlook quality men or mislabel them as a “dud” because they look through a skewed lens. Folks are out here trying to find romance, but have some deep rooted issues they should handle first so they know what a real good guy looks like, and how to attract him.  I don’t know you personally, and you may be as close to perfect as any man, but my gut tells me that you could use a break to do a self-assessment.  In the time I spent with myself,  I discovered that it would be nearly impossible for me to find a good man, or at least hold onto him, because I was a very poor communicator and always kept people at arm’s length.  But anyway, back to why you actually wrote to me.

In taking a break from dating and looking within, most people will discover that their preferences or standards are a little unrealistic.  Despite the impression you get from Instagram, there just aren’t that many tall black men rippling in muscle that are single, gay, or wanting to date you.  No shade intended at all when I say this, but there’s a strong probability that you aren’t everyone’s type.  So you may want to open your eyes to the shorter brother with a 4 pack instead of a 6 pack. Or the brother with ambition and work ethic, but no degree.  Heck, you may even want to give “Carrot Top” a chance. Dating outside your race has proven to be fruitful for many men and women.

Listen, I’m not saying completely toss all your preferences and date every Tom, Dick, and Harry that ask you out.  What I am saying, is that once you open your mind to the possibility that your Prince Charming is packaged differently from what you envisioned, you’ll get rid of some of your frustration with the dating game.  I speak from experience, as it’s worked for me.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Again I don’t know you personally, but take the time to reevaluate yourself. It will help you in finding Mr. Right.

 

  1. Remember masculinity can be a fluid thing. Don’t discount a person’s manhood because they like Beyoncé or Rihanna. This concept of masculinity is a topic of conversation for another day though. The writer in me feels it. LOL.

 

  1. Read my piece on problematic daters. It may help in your self-assessment.

 

  1. Just keep an open mind when it comes to dating.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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