Dating

Should Dating Someone Bisexual Be a Big Deal?

Hi T,

Was told about your website, so I decided to come check it out. This past weekend some friends and I had one of those wine and movie nights, and watched that movie that came on Lifetime with Kelly Rowland and Meagan Good.  Well anyway, in the movie one of the characters, a woman, fell in love with a man who identified as bisexual. Naturally, that brought up a discussion among us if any of us could date a guy that was bisexual. My friends say they couldn’t do it.  And despite the fact that I support the LGBT community and have marched for LGBT rights, I don’t think I could date a man that’s bisexual either.  I feel horrible for saying that, but I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable with.  You don’t think that makes me a bad person do you?  Me and my friends are all women by the way.  Hope this question doesn’t sound completely weird or ridiculous. Love your site.

From,

An Inquiring Mind

Dear An Inquiring Mind,

Thanks for writing to me.  As always, I appreciate when people share with me their appreciation for my site.  It keeps me motivated.  So again, thank you.  Now let’s get to your question, because I actually happen to think it’s a good one.  Not “completely weird or ridiculous.”

The recent topic of conversation between you and your friends, is actually a topic many women are discussing these days.  In a time when it seems more men than ever are “openly” sexually fluid, millions of single ladies, such as yourself, have to think long and hard about their dating preferences.  Should they be willing to date men who like men? This is a complicated scenario for most women, so rest assured you’re not alone in your hesitation to expand your dating preferences to bisexual men.

On a purely theoretical basis, it shouldn’t matter who a man dated in his past. For the most part, his dating history is none of your business.  All you’re entitled to know is was he safe in his prior sexual activity, if he slept with anyone you know, and if he had any kids. (You also are entitled to know if he’s actually single, but that goes without saying.)  Any other information he may share are bonus facts.  And I’d say he’s entitled to knowing the same information about you.  Whatever you two bring to a relationship or “situationship” in the present, is all that matters. Theoretically.

Look, I completely understand your apprehension with dating a guy who is bisexual.  There are plenty of gay men out here that are just as uncomfortable getting involved with a bisexual man, and probably for similar reasons.  For some, when they get involved with someone that’s sexually fluid, an added concern develops.  Instead of wondering about one particular sex trying to seduce their man, they have to worry about both sexes.  It’s like they have to be on “peen AND pussy” control.

Along those same lines, dating someone bisexual also awakens a sense of insecurity on a personal level for many.  As humans, part of what helps us feel secure in our relationships, is knowing we can satisfy all of our partner’s desires.  That we can be his support system and best friend, and also be the one that is able to quench all of his bedroom thirsts.  It’s the last part that triggers the insecurity. Countless people would become fearful that at some point in their relationship with a bisexual man, he will crave specific aspects of a man or woman that they just aren’t equipped to provide. Having this insecurity would make anyone uncomfortable.

Lastly, let me state this.  I truly believe that the negative connotations of the “dl community”, have frightened a ton of women into not entertaining a man that has any sexual experience with the same sex.  Such women have it programmed in their mind that a history of messing with men, means the man they’re thinking about getting involved with will at some point sneak around behind their back with Jim, James, Paul, or Tyrone.  The “down low man” has casted somewhat of a shadow of myths on the ENTIRE bisexual community, that for numerous bisexual men simply isn’t true.  Often, if a sexually fluid man says he wants to be with you in the moment and no one else, he means it.  He’s not checking for any other person, male or female.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. You’re not wrong nor ignorant for having concerns about dating bisexual men. You’re just human. Remember that.
  1. Again, you have to trust that if a man identifies as bisexual, that he is confident in who he is sexually, and who he wants to be with at a given time. So if he says he wants to be with you, believe he’s only checking for you.
  1. Keep in mind, whether a man identifies as heterosexual or bisexual, there is still the possibility of infidelity if you get in a relationship with him. (Not to be a downer, LOL.)
  1. If after you think long and hard about whether you could date a bisexual man and the answer is still no, that’s fine and within your right. People are allowed to have preferences.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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