I Like My Personal Trainer, What Should I Do?

Hi T,

I am a female who likes another female. The only issue is that: the girl I like is my trainer and instructor of majority of the classes I take (if it was normal circumstances I would just tell her). My trainer and I are really close in the gym (including calling each other our favorites) and tend to goof off a lot. We even used to talk on snapchat A LOT outside the gym and not gym related topics. As well as following each other on intstagram. The two of us even had plans to go grab some dinner after a session. But then out of the blue she unfollows me on both forms of social media claiming that she “can’t follow clients.” (our plans were effectively canceled). That was in early December. However she acts toward me as if nothing happened. We still goof off, we still call each other favorites, etc. If anything it seems as if her behavior has gotten even more flirty: 😉 emojis in texts, letting me go into Zumba class a half hour late (when the cutoff is 10 mins), putting weights on levels she KNOWS I can’t lift and then proceeds to do most of the work just telling me to make the motion (i.e. bicep curl on the machine), randomly touching me (that’s not within a training touch), always bringing up inside jokes or making me laugh (in sessions or in classes) hell she’s always smiling and laughing around me, plays the song Closer by the Chainsmokers in Zumba cause I ask her to (and she knows I love that song), and most recently asking me to get a little bit of dust off her shoulder for her (where she could easily reach it herself). She’s even currently binge watching a show because I recommended it to her. Now if you’re thinking my trainer is girly she definitely is not. To be honest I’m like 80% sure she is into women based on the fact that she wears men’s clothing (Jordans and Tims, and men’s watches/chain necklaces included), and that she LOVES tricking out her car, but then again those are stereotypes. Now as for me I’m very girly (I identify as sexually fluid). The two of us kind of bonded over a mutual love of dance, similar music tastes, horror movies, and that we have similar personalities.

Okay now I’m rambling, it’s just I wanted you to have an ample amount of information so you can answer me. So what I’m asking is: 1.) Why would she randomly unfollow me on instagram and snapchat (she says it was nothing I did)? 2.) Is she into me? 3.) How can I know for sure without actually asking her? and 4.) How do I tell her I like her without sessions and classes being awkward?

I hope you get to this soon and thank you in advance!

Confused Gym Addict

Dear Confused Gym Addict,

Thanks for writing to me.  I’m just going to dive right in here.  First and foremost, you need to be certain you two play for the same team. I know you said she wears men’s clothing and has interest in more “masculine” things, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she is a lesbian or bisexual.  However, based off what you described, I too would probably rush to think she had a tendency to be attracted to women.  But since I don’t know her, I recommend relying on your gut.  Members of the LGBT community tend to have a pretty good radar when it comes to who does and who doesn’t have same-sex attractions.  So trust your instincts, without confusing them with some blind desire. (For example, Michael B Jordan is too fine; but, removing the blinders of my desire, my gut knows with almost certainty he doesn’t hit for my team LOL). Also, if she has a public profile on Instagram, do some more snooping.  See who she is following, and peep what she’s liking.  The snooping could reaffirm your instincts.

Now if she is indeed into women, that doesn’t necessarily mean she is into you. From what you describe, it sounds like she has been flirting with you, but you have to ask yourself if she is “flirting, flirting” or “business flirting.”  What I mean by that, is some people in the service provider industry tend to flirt as a part of their profession in order to get new customers or keep old ones.  In a day and age where there are more personal trainers out here than ever, trainers have to make sure to keep their clients. With all that said, it does sound like your trainer could be “flirting, flirting” with you given the Snapchat messaging and emoji filled text messages (depending on the emojis).  Quick question for you.  Is she messaging you after 11 at night? If so, that’s another good sign of “flirting, flirting” because messaging after that hour of the night is definitely on the more intimate side of the spectrum.

So say she is into women and into you, I’m not certain she is actually single. Her abruptly unfollowing you on social media makes me raise an eyebrow.  I know she said she did so claiming “she can’t follow clients”, but I’ve never really known that to be a personal trainer’s strict policy per say.  I have a hunch she may have unfollowed you in an effort to establish boundaries and protect something.  Like putting up a wall of sorts to protect her relationship from running into problems down the road.

Then there is always the possibility that she unfollowed you from social media, all in an effort to maintain some sense of professionalism. Even if she likes you beyond a client relationship, she might not want to get involved with you because she wants to protect her brand and reputation.  It’s not the best look to be known as the trainer that gets involved with the people she trains.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Now should you think the chemistry between you and your trainer is truly undeniable, and feel absolutely compelled to let her know how you feel, then you’re going to have to find the courage to say something. Often times as humans we don’t get what we want because we keep our mouths shut. As nonchalant as possible, you can mention through texts something like, “I respect professional boundaries and normally wouldn’t violate them, but I just have to tell you there is something I find so attractive about you.  Not trying to make things awkward or anything, but I had to share.”  With that one text, you’ve put the ball in her court to make a move without sounding too pressed.


  1. Make sure this woman is single before you reveal your feelings for her. You don’t want to be embarrassed, nor do you want to break up a happy home. Breaking up happy couples often times comes back to bite you.


  1. Say you put yourself out there, and she’s not willing to explore anything with you while you’re her client, then you have to be mature and not make things weird if you want to keep her as your trainer/instructor.


  1. The tricky part about all of this, is you have to be prepared for the dynamics of your professional relationship to change if you two wind up hooking up or whatever. If you two date, and things unfortunately go south, then you have to be willing to work with another trainer. Considering there are thousands of trainers nationwide, if you think you and this person could really have something, you may want to take the risk.

As always nothing but love,


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