Dating, relationships

Infidelity in an Online Relationship

So I’ve been in this online relationship for about 7 months with this girl from California–mind you I’m from Illinois. And so she’s in college and I’m still in high school and we were planning on meeting in May which is kind of wild. And recently she got a little too drunk one night and cheated on me. We cleared everything up and now she’s doubting our future saying she doesn’t know if she can stay faithful again. And I’m just wondering if i should stay with because she doesn’t believe we’ll make it anymore

-Sal

Dear Sal,

Thanks for writing to me.  Before I jump into the specifics of your dilemma, let me start this off by saying how hard it is to maintain online and long distance relationships.  These type of relationships usually require a very healthy amount of conversation, a great deal of trust, and a certain level of maturity.  Since this is the case, many people aren’t able to maintain such a dynamic.  Heck, most people.  So the fact that you and this girl are having some issues, is perfectly understandable.

Please don’t take this the wrong, because I truly do value and respect your age and ability to make adult decisions for yourself.  However, my gut is telling me that you and this girl are lacking a bit in maturity and don’t have enough experience in love to handle a long distance relationship.  And that’s perfectly alright.  As a student in high school, I was nowhere near ready or equipped to deal with a person romantically who lived thousands of miles away. Heck, I still thought I was heterosexual at the time LOL.  But that’s another story for another time.

Now think long and hard about the obstacles you would have to overcome trying to make things work with her. First, there is the issue of cheating and trust.  Do you trust her not to cheat on you again given she herself said she’s not sure she can remain faithful?  I don’t know about you, but most Americans prefer to be in relationships with the hope of not having infidelity.  Then there is the huge amount of distance between you two. I won’t pretend to know you or your this girl’s schedule or finances, but trying to actually see each other routinely can’t be easy.  You know that.  It’s been seven months and your first time trying to meet her face-to-face will be in May.  Again, are the obstacles you and your boo must overcome worth it?

Don’t get me wrong, I believe long distance relationships can work.  In fact, I can list off a few that I know that are quite successful.  But the thing about those relationships, is they are successful because they operate under the right circumstances, and the people in them are equipped to handle the challenge.  I’m just not convinced you and this girl are operating under good circumstances.  Plus, one of you is clearly not up for the challenge.

By the way, I feel obligated to point something else out to you. This girl has all but said to you that she wants to end things. The fact that she has been pretty straight forward with you in telling you she doesn’t know if she can remain faithful to you, is more than likely her way of nudging you to break up with her.  Right now you may be thinking, “If she wanted to break up me with me, why didn’t she just say it?”  That’s a good question.  The answer is simple though, she is giving you the ammunition to break up with her so she doesn’t have to be the “bad guy” to dump you.  Most people don’t like hurting others they care about.  So in this case, she’s trying to get you to walk away to save herself from having to break your heart by ending things.   If I were you, I’d take her up on this opportunity.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Don’t stay in a romantic relationship or situationship out of fear of moving on. If things between you and your boo have run their course, let them.

 

  1. I’ve written all of this advice to you under the assumption that you are like a senior or junior in high school, and your girlfriend is like an 18 or 19 years old in college. Please just be careful and make sure everything is legal and above board.

 

  1. Should you end things with her, take the lessons you’ve learned in this situation and move onto dating other people. Perhaps other people a little closer to you.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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