relationships

Should I Stay with A Partner that Doesn’t Believe in Monogamy?

T,

Would you stay with someone who told you he doesn’t think he can be monogamous?  I’ve been seeing this guy for about 3 months, and he told me he’s not sure if he be with just one person for the rest of his life.  I naturally asked him if he was trying to break up with me.  He told me he didn’t want to breakup, but wanted to know if I’d be okay with him hooking up with someone else from time to time.   He promised it would be with people I don’t know and that he’d always be safe.  I wasn’t sure what to say to him, so I told him to give me some time to think about it. 2 weeks later, and I still don’t know what to tell him.  I really like him, but don’t want to be in an open relationship.  Thoughts?

From,

Help Wanted24

Dear Help Wanted24,

Thanks for writing to me, and Happy New Year.  Hope 2017 brings about some exciting and wonderful things your way.  I’m sorry to hear you’re bringing in the year with this dilemma though.  No one wants to start off a fresh new 365 days with relationship or “situationship” drama.  Absolutely no one.  So kudos to your boyfriend for his timing.

Here’s the thing, I’ve never been a proponent for open relationships.  I’ve said it time and time again, that relationships should be left between two people. Once you start adding more people to the mix, things get complicated.  And relationships are hard work already.  I for one would rather not create more obstacles for me and my mate if I don’t have to.

My problem with open relationship concepts stems from me knowing how human beings typically operate.   For starters, people have a tendency to become jealous.  No one wants to be “coupled-up” with someone, and forced to constantly think about his man being better sexually fulfilled by other people.  I don’t consider myself to be an insecure person, but I guarantee I would be driven crazy if I were in an open relationship.  I don’t want to always be thinking about if another person can please my mate better than I can.  Where would my peace of mind come from in that type of situation?

It’s also within human nature for folks to redirect their loyalty if a “better” situation comes along.  Once that door to seeing other people is open, there is a chance you and your partner could lose your coupledom.  Should you agree to allow him to mess around with other people, you ultimately run the risk of him finding another partner.  He may start out just having sex with someone else, but it’s really easy for a person to catch feelings while boning.  With that said, you may be the one to actually find another partner should you do some outside hooking up yourself. Again, it’s all a part of the risk you run in open relationships.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Since you are obviously uncomfortable with the idea of him hooking up with other people, express that to him. If he doesn’t take your feelings to heart and blows you off, then take that as a sign you may be better moving on anyway.

 

  1. It’s possible this guy mentioned this idea to get you to spice things up sexually. So you may want to look into what you can do to add some extra excitement to the bedroom.  However, your bae could just want something new regardless of what you do in between the sheets.  Like some straight friend of mine used to say, “there’s nothing like new p***y.”  Your boo may be one to agree with that sentiment. If that’s the case, again, you may want to move on anyway because he’s not mentally ready for a relationship.

 

  1. You may want to suggest you two take a break from each other. That gives him time to think if it’s really you he wants, and allows you time to contemplate the same.

 

  1. Don’t settle in romance. I’m all for couples making compromises, but not to the point a person surrenders his happiness and peace of mind just to stay with someone not meant for him in the first place.

 

As always nothing but love,

T.

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