If People Can Change, Why Can’t I Try to Change My Man?


Was at brunch with the crew about a week ago, and we had an interesting convo.  Now I don’t know if it was interesting because the mimosas were flowing or what, but it’s a question I present to you.  If we as humans believe that people can change, then why is it so far stretched for me to date a good looking guy with bad habits and expect to be able to change him into my dream man?  I mean my friends said there is nothing wrong with being with a seven because he will probably treat you right.  But I want a ten, and to be able to mold him into a ten on the inside to match.  You know what I’m trying to say?  Looking forward to reading what you have to say.

-I Want Tens

Dear I Want Tens,

Thanks for writing to me.  You and your friends definitely had an interesting brunch conversation, and I’m replying to your question mimosa free.  Let me start off by saying, I agree with you about people having the ability to change.  I look at some folks I’ve known over the years, and for better (and sometimes worse), most of them have changed in some fashion.  Most of them have grown up and matured.  Heck, I know I’m not the exact same person I was ten years ago, and I thank God for growth.  With that said, our shared belief that people can change is the only point I agree with you on here.

Look, I understand the basis of your theory about being able to change a “ten” on the outside into your perfect Prince Charming.  However, you can’t make a man you’re dating change unless he wants to change. Get ready to copy and paste what I’m about to say into a text to your friends and tweet you’re your Twitter followers.  You CANNOT change someone who doesn’t see an issue in their actions. So you can date the Drake look-alike and chase after the Michael B. Jordan twins of the world, but it’s unlikely you will be able to change them to be the perfect boyfriend for you unless they think they need to change.  And if you find one that you are easily able to mold, I suggest you raise a serious eyebrow at the fact that he was so willing to give into all your demands.

Also, let me take a moment to talk about the perception that all great looking men are somehow a mess on the inside.  That’s a gross misconception.  I’ve met quite a few “tens”, and they are some of the nicest people you will ever meet.  Plus, they are truly humble in regards to their outer appearance.  Some people just assume these individuals are messed up on the inside because they can’t believe you can be that outwardly gorgeous and inwardly beautiful at the same time.  On the flipside of things, I’ve seen some people who aren’t as desirable on the eyes, have some of the nastiest attitudes.  Trust and believe there are those that aren’t the ten on the outside or in.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. While I don’t think I would have phrased it like your friends, there is nothing wrong with dating guys that don’t look like supermodels. There’s just not.  In fact, as you date more you’ll come to know that expanding your dating checklist will open your eyes to a new class of good men.


  1. Remember, assumptions about people’s character based on their looks, are just that. Assumptions. As the old saying goes, “don’t judge a book by its cover.”


  1. Try focusing your attention on a person’s character more than his beauty. Despite what plastic surgeons tell you, beauty often fades.


  1. Again, you can’t make someone change unless they want to. I emphasize this point once more because I’m trying to spare you the headaches from putting in that effort with anyone you get involved with.

As always nothing but love,


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