Dating, friendship

Is It Cool to Date the Ex of a Friend of a Friend?

So T,

What obligation do I have to a friend of a friend?  I met this guy at a club about three weeks ago, and we’ve been talking ever since.  Well I recently showed my best friend a picture of the guy, and he informs me a friend of his used to be with him.  Now, I know the friend he was talking about, but he isn’t my friend.  At most, he is an acquaintance.  My friend said I may want to back off this new guy, because he has history with someone I know.  However, I really like this guy, and I’ve only seen my friend’s friend in passing.  Am I wrong for wanting to continue seeing this new man?

-No Limit91

Dear No Limit91,

Thanks for writing to me.  If you’ve read some of my previous posts, then you know I believe there is such thing as a friend code.  I wholeheartedly believe that if your friend dates a guy, then that guy is off limits to youPoint. Blank. Period.  Even if your friend gives you his blessing to date his ex, I don’t think you should do it.  It’s just a recipe for disaster.

Now with that said, you’ve made it perfectly clear that the man you’re talking to is not your friend’s ex.  He’s the ex of someone you see in passing and consider to be an acquaintance at best.   If that’s truly the case, then I don’t necessarily see a problem here.  You don’t have a vested interest in maintaining a relationship with your friend’s friend, because you don’t have one to begin with.  And if you really like this guy and think there is some potential of him being your boo, then I say follow your heart.

I do want to caution you that your actual friend may have an issue with pursuing your love interest.  I’m sure he wants you to be happy, but he may feel your personal business could place him in an awkward position with his other comrade.  For example, say you and this guy wind up getting into a relationship.  When your pal has house gatherings or birthday parties, he has to be concerned about you bringing your boo as your plus one because his other friend will be present.  Plus, his friend may have more than a few choice words for him when he discovers who his ex is dating.  And that tense conversation could be passed onto you.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. If you think things between you and this man you met are headed somewhere, continue to date him. However, if this is a lust thing and nothing more, then you may want to keep it pushing for the sake of saving your friend the possible headache.

 

  1. Keep in mind that my advice above was given under the premise that you were dating the guy and didn’t know he was the ex of your friend’s friend. Now if you originally met this man while he was still involved with the other friend, and now that they are broken up you started talking to him, that is a whole other thing.  A very complicated thing.

 

 

  1. Again, if you feel something for this new dude, let your friend know that. He will be more inclined to back your choice in dating him if he knows there are real feelings being invested.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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