relationships

He Forgave Me, But Doesn’t Trust Me

Dear T,

My boyfriend still hasn’t forgiven me for a mistake I made 5 months ago.  Back then, I made the mistake of getting oral from a random at my friend’s house party.  Well, instead of keeping it a secret, I told him the day after it happened.  Although he was pissed and broke up with me, he eventually accepted my apology and forgave me.  At least that’s what I thought.  Since we got back together, he’s been super paranoid about me going places without him.  I mean I get I messed up, but I don’t want to be with him if he doesn’t trust me.  Heck I want a boyfriend, not a parole officer.  What do you think?

Thanks,

Donald No Trump

Dear Donald No Trump,

Thanks for writing to me.  I’m sorry to hear about your problems in your relationship.  No one wants to constantly deal with the insecurities of someone else.  So I get your boyfriend’s paranoia is a bit overwhelming and annoying.  However, his paranoia was birthed in your infidelity and violation of his trust.

The thing is, trust is like a fragile vase a couple buys together.  They put it on a shelf somewhere in a special place that only the couple has access to.  However, if anyone in the relationship allows this special place to be accessed by other people, the vase is in danger of being broken.  Well, when the wrong person is granted access, he winds up knocking over the vase and breaking it.  And it’s not the outsider’s fault for the broken vase, it’s the fault of whoever in the relationship let him in.   Now depending on the couple, some will work hard to put the vase back together.  Others, will leave the broken pieces on the floor and move on.  Either way, once the vase drops, it drops.

I know your man told you he forgave you for your mistake, but that doesn’t mean the trust between you two is repaired.  Once trust is broken, it takes time to fix.  And I can’t give you a time table on how long it will take to reestablish trust, because people are different.  People heal differently.  That’s just life.  However with that said, I don’t believe a couple should rush to get back together after infidelity, if both parties aren’t willing to go into the new situation with clean slates.

It sounds like your boo may have agreed to take you back a little too soon.  He may have forgiven you, but he didn’t allow himself to figure out if he can trust you as he once did.  That’s a problem, and will continue to be a problem, until he reaches a place where he can have faith in your honesty.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Have a face-to-face conversation with your boyfriend ASAP. Ask him if he really forgave you, and question whether he can trust you again.  He may quickly answer yes to both those questions.  Should that be the case, voice your concerns about how you feel he is a bit paranoid and treats you differently than he used to.  Provide examples of his behavior.  Be warned, this may be a deep conversation and bring up hurt feelings.

 

  1. After you have an honest convo with your boyfriend, it may be best if you two took a few days apart to think about the direction of your relationship.

 

 

  1. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there is NOTHING wrong with counseling. If you two really love each other and are committed to making this relationship work, seek out some couple’s therapy if you can afford it. If you can’t afford it, seek out a couple you admire and that has been together for some years (5+ years).  They may be able to provide some solid advice based on their own experience.

 

  1. And since you spoke of Donald, please make sure you go vote on November 8th. I can only hope you will vote for the candidate that’s not Trump. Lol!

As always nothing but love,

T.

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