relationships

If My Gay Boyfriend Had Sex with a Woman, Is that Cheating?

T,

I’m writing you because I’m not exactly sure what I should do in this situation.  My boyfriend of 8 months cheated on me.  Or at least I think it’s cheating.  He came out to his brothers about a year ago, and I guess they were cool about it.  Well last weekend, apparently they took him out to a straight club and introduced him to some girl.  They were under the impression that they could make him like women.  And all my boyfriend can tell me is that after a lot drinks, his brothers dropped him and this girl off back at his place and they had sex.  He says he doesn’t remember all they did, but just knows he had sex with her.  He claims he told me because he wants to be honest with me.  The kicker of this whole situation is that he apologized, but said it’s not really cheating because he’s still gay and that woman was a fluke. Like he’s strictly dickly.   I’m just not sure how to process this.  What do I do in this situation?

-Now What

Dear Now What,

Thanks for writing to me.  You and your boyfriend are going through an interesting situation here.  If I’m to be honest, I can kind of understand both sides of the coin.  Your boyfriend has reached the conclusion that he is gay, so a one night stand with a woman is like a strange anomaly.  Like an experience he’s never wanted, nor is wanting or planning to have again.  And before you call bullsh*t, hear me out.

When I was little I used to spend the summers at my grandparents’ home.  And every once in a while my great aunt would bring something called cracklin bread over to their house.  For those that don’t know, cracklin bread is like fried pork skin cooked into cornbread.  Well for years I was adamant that I wouldn’t try it.  I like regular cornbread, but knew for certain I wouldn’t like cracklin bread.  One summer, I let my grandparents finally convince me to try this southern recipe.  As I suspected, I was not a fan of the bread, and haven’t eaten it ever again.

Now let’s bring this around full circle.  Like your boyfriend, I knew what I liked and what I didn’t like.  However, I let “peer” pressure and the power of persuasion put into a situation where I was trying something I didn’t have an appetite for, and later regretted having.  And I was frustrated with myself for partaking in something I never desired in the first place. I betrayed what I knew to be right for me, and made a mistake.

As for you opinion that your boyfriend cheated on you, please know that your opinion is more than that.  It’s a fact.  If you two had an understanding that you are in a committed monogamous relationship, and he slept with anyone other than you, than that’s cheating.  Whether he identifies as gay, straight, or bisexual, and regardless if his sexual partner was a man or woman, he stuck his “funstick” in a hole that doesn’t belong to you.

If you want me to advise you on whether you should dump your boyfriend or forgive him and move on, I won’t do that.  Sorry, but that has to be a decision you make on your own. I will say, that I think it’s pretty commendable that he told you about what happened.  Yeah he cheated, and you have every right to feel upset, I know I would.  However, it sounds like he admitted his mistake in an effort to maintain the trust of your relationship.  Ironic as that may sound.  A guy that admits when he’s wrong and has a plan to make sure the wrong is not committed again, is a man you may want to keep around.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect. Every couple may not experience infidelity, but every couple will face hardships.  You just have to decide what hardships you are willing to fight through.

 

  1. If you decide to ride out this storm with your boyfriend, have a nice long conversation with him. Tell him everything you’re feeling. Ask him questions.  Get clarity on why he let himself be put in this position.  And when everything is hashed out, don’t throw this indiscretion in his face every time you have future disagreements.  If you are going to forgive him, forgive him.

 

  1. Again if you stay with him, make him get tested before you invite him back into your bed. Forgiveness is forgiveness, but don’t play games when it comes to your health.

 

  1. Please know I’m not telling you to stay in the relationship either. I’m trying to be as impartial as possible.  So, if after doing some thinking you want to leave him.  Leave him.

 

  1. Oh and it’s okay to tell your boyfriend to man up a bit. He shouldn’t succumb to peer pressure so easily as an adult.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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2 thoughts on “If My Gay Boyfriend Had Sex with a Woman, Is that Cheating?”

  1. Lawrence says:

    Hi T, my name is Lawrence from Nigeria. Actually I have been dating this guy 6years now and we have been nothing short of a perfect couple though we are closeted due to the harsh socio-political and culture terrian, however we have been having this issues of late over a girl he used to date that has succeeded in wiggling herself back to him. We have built our lives together in business and other areas and we stay together but this girl wants to come over all the time and I have to leave our bedroom and take the couch so they can have privacy to talk, sleep and have sex. We have talked and quarrelled about it but he is asking me to be understanding and the funny thing is he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and says she is a cover up for his mum.the truth is I love him crazy,I don’t want to loose him, want him for myself alone and I also want to be understanding of his point of view but I can’t bear the part where she has to come over always as well as the sex part. I really don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated

    1. AsAccordingToT says:

      Hi Lawrence.

      This question was a good one to ask. So much so, that I think it deserves it’s own post. Check back tomorrow for my advice for you and your situation.

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