friendship, relationships

Can I Tell My Sister Her Boyfriend Is a Jerk?

Dear T,

Saw some advice you posted on Facebook, and thought it was pretty enlightening.  So I thought I’d write to you about a problem I’ve been having.  For the past few months, my sister has been dating this real jerk.  When she brings him around family events, he doesn’t speak to anyone.  When I’ve been out with him and her at a restaurant or bar, he drinks more than anyone and gets ratchet.  And I’m pretty sure he is cheating on my sister.  One of my friends said he saw the guy talking really close to some random girl about a week ago.  I’m not sure what to say to my sister.  In the past when me or my mom tried to tell my sister about her boyfriends, she never listened.  She always waited until the assholes broke her heart. Looking forward to your advice.

-Andy No Bravo

Dear Andy No Bravo,

Thanks for writing to me.  I love the name by the way.  Although I may not always like how the Bravo network is in many ways one-dimensional in its depiction of gays, I have to admit I enjoy Real Housewives of Atlanta and New Jersey.  Plus, I’ve been known to view Watch What Happens Live from time to time with Andy.  But anyway, your dilemma.

I think we all know at least one person in our life that may be brilliant in everything except his/her personal life.  When it comes to relationships, this person seems to find the worst the dating pool has to offer.  The guy or girl finds the abusers, the users, the cheaters, and the liars.  And with each breakup, you, me, and others around these bad daters hope that a lesson has been learned, only to witness the bad dater to get into another awful relationship.  Oh how I understand the frustration.

However, you have to get to a point where you let some old school advice really set in.  There is an old expression that states, “you gotta let grown folks be grown.”  You have obviously stated your opinion time and time again about your sister’s personal life, so it’s about time you let her be grown.  Let her make her own choices in men, and her own mistakes.  Unless she is being physically or mentally abused, you have to learn to swallow your feelings in regards to her own business.  You just have to hope and pray sister will come to understand her worth, and raise her standards in men.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Have one last conversation with your sister about her dating choices. When you do that, try your best not to come off as if you are bashing her.  However, make it clear that you love her. That you see the beautiful woman she is.  That you want nothing but the best for her, and think she is shortchanging herself.

 

  1. Don’t tell your sister about what your friend saw. You have no proof, but “he said, she said” gossip.  Instead, you can go to the boyfriend directly with the tea, and see if he speaks honestly or tries to lie.  If you sense he is lying, keep an eye out for him discretely, without alarming him or your sister just yet.  Don’t ever go to her with cheating allegations if you have no concrete proof.

 

  1. Should your sister and this latest guy break up, introduce her to a guy you think she should be dating. You may open her eyes a bit.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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