The Lifestyle

Should I Tell Her the Man She’s with Is Gay?

Hey T,

I’ve got a question for you.  Would you allow your cousin to marry a guy you know for a fact is gay?  My cousin, who is a female and I’m very close with, just got engaged to this man I know used to mess with one of my of old college roommates, who is a guy.  Although these two men were never in a relationship, and this was almost ten years ago, I feel like I should mention to my cousin that her future husband has slept with at least one man.  Thoughts?


Stuck with No Answer

Dear Stuck with No Answer,

Thank you for your email.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, under MOST circumstances, I don’t believe it’s anyone else’s job to out another person.  I’ve heard of too many stories about people outing others, and very rarely do any of those stories leave the outed person or his loved ones feeling spectacular.

And who’s to say your cousin doesn’t already know that her fiancé has been with at least one man.  There is a possibility that this man is bisexual (yes bisexuality is a real thing people), and he has already shared his past with wife to be.  So you getting involved would be a moot point, and portray you as the nosey relative.

Now if you really don’t think your cousin knows about this guy and are genuinely wanting to protect her here, then put your detective hat on a bit.  Without being blatantly obvious, ask your cousin some questions to see how much she knows about her man.  Try and get a sense of what she does and doesn’t know.  It’s important to be delicate in your poking around, because you don’t want to come off overly intrusive or suspicious.   Once you reaffirm that your cousin is in the dark about this man’s hitting for both teams, things can start to get a bit tricky.

Before you do anything further, be sure this fiancé actually slept with your former roommate, and that they weren’t just friends or acquaintances.  I know you said they messed around, but unless you saw this man tonguing down your roommate or something, you can’t be positive about what happens behind closed doors.  And I’m not necessarily doubting your claim.  Heck, I don’t know any of the parties involved.  Just want you to be sure the two men weren’t studying or something.

To be honest, if I were you, after doing some detective work with my cousin, I would approach this guy.  I would bring up my old roommate’s name, and maybe show a picture if he’s forgetful, and attempt to get clarity on the situation.  If he owns up to the fact he and ex roommate slept together, than I’d encourage this man to tell my cousin.  Although I inserted myself in other folks business, I’d rather not be further in it then I have to.  And I’d rather not out anyone.  EVER!

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Under normal standards, I would never tell anyone to get in someone else’s romantic affairs, let alone encourage a person to out a man to his fiancé. Besides creating a messy situation, it can have ripple effects that can psychologically damage both the man and the woman.  However, coming from a place of genuine concern for a close relative, I get it. But it’s still a bad situation.


  1. Don’t let your cousin’s potential problem become your problem. If it’s too stressful for you to get involved, then don’t.  But I’ll warn you, saying nothing can be just has worrisome.


  1. I’d also like to ask you this. Would you be wanting to warn your cousin if this guy didn’t have a homoerotic past, but a “hoe-ish” one?  Everyone has romantic baggage, and I’m just curious if notifying your cousin about her man being a man whore with women is something you would want to let her know too?

As always nothing but love,


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