Read a few of your articles and saw how you helped some folks out with tips, and was hoping you could help me. What would you do if you and the guy you’ve been seeing for 2 months finally have sex, and the sex is mediocre at best? I’m in this situation now. When we kiss, he is amazing at it. Which is why I was surprised he was so blah in bed. I don’t think I could be in relationship with someone that can’t please me. Thoughts?
Dear Not Pleased,
Thanks for writing to me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, lack luster sex should not make or break a good relationship, or a potentially good one. I’ve seen too many people stay in an unhealthy relationship or situationship, just because the sex was “so amazing.” These individuals will be miserable with a person for the entire length of their involvement, with the exception of the time spent in the sheets. And I’ve seen my share of folks pass on great men (wonderful personality, stellar good looks, loyal, and hardworking), due to a sexual let down. Then these folks will be in their feelings when they let go of the mediocre lay, and see him engaged a year later. They wind up singing their “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” (Throwback to Sister Act II LOL!). But here’s the thing, you should be willing to work with a great guy with below average sex, and I’ll tell you why.
There is an expression.
Always maintain the attitude of a student.
I believe that quote holds validity, because we as humans should always be willing to learn to help foster our own personal growth. And if that’s the case, we inevitably need a teacher on occasion. Bringing this back around, what I’m saying is that you should take the opportunity to be this guy’s teacher. Instruct him on what he should be doing to take his sex game up a couple notches. I’d hate for you to lose out on a possible love, because you dumped a guy for a problem that has a clear solution.
Now you said this guy is an amazing kisser. That sounds like he knows how to use his mouth, so start there if his “tongue game” is not what you think it should be in other areas not on your face. LOL! If his problem is dealing with his lack of rhythmic strokes, than talk him through the paces. If a lack of foreplay is the issue, then slow him down and exemplify how you would like it. Again, just teach him.
Suggestions going forward.
- When playing teacher, try to be as sensual as possible, and sensitive to his feelings. You don’t want to him to feel embarrassed, or hurt his pride.
- Also, don’t be offended if he offers to show you a few things in order to better please him.
As always nothing but love,