relationships

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Hey I’ve been in a 2 year relationship with someone I truly love but I don’t feel the love coming from him. He feels if he buys me things that everything will be okay. I’ve tried for 6-8 months straight to get him to understand where I’m coming from so we can have an understanding. He’s told me numerous hurtful things & we have cheated on one another. I’m trying to decide my place so I can know if I should move on or try to make it work.  Please help before I do the wrong thing.

-KBF

Dear KBF,

Thanks for writing to me.  I’m sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch in your relationship.  While the highs of love are great, it’s the lows of loves that do a number on the heart.  It will be difficult to find anyone that will tell you anything different.

There is a theory floating around out there about the 2 year mark of a relationship.  At the two year mark, a couple has said goodbye to their honeymoon phase, flaws have been brought into the spotlight, and in some cases eyes have begun to wander to other people.  It’s at this point, that a couple decides whether they are in it for the long haul, or ready to call it quits.  Many people will argue that this period is one of the most difficult times of a relationship outside of marriage.

Look, I can’t tell you whether or not you should break things off with your boyfriend.  But what I can tell you, is that you’ve presented me with a scenario that sounds a bit too toxic.  If you can count more bad times than good over the course of the last 6-8 months, then you may have been given instructions on what to do already.

Ask yourself why you are still in the relationship?  Are you in it because you love him and think it can work between you two?  Or are you in it because you love him and it’s convenient?  Sometimes people think it is easier to stay in a relationship that isn’t good for them, because they think fear what’s next.  They fear loneliness. They fear dating.  And they fear they won’t find anyone better.  However, history has proven that allowing fear to prevent action, rarely results in anything positive.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Have an honest and open heart to heart with your boyfriend. You both need to put everything on the table.  Talk about what you love about each other, what you dislike about each, and commitments you have to one another.  That should give you some insight.

 

  1. If you stay with this guy, require more from him, and expect more from the relationship. Seeking counseling may not be too bad an idea.

 

  1. Again, don’t allow fear of what’s next trap you.

 

  1. Remember these great words of Iyanla Vanzant:

“You don’t get to tell people how to love you; you get to choose if you want to participate in the way they love.”

As always nothing but love,

T.

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