I hope you are doing great. I am writing because it seems like I am at a dead end and I am hoping your words might help me out.
Even though I have been in relationships with some amazing men and have been extremely happy, I never felt fulfilled. You see, I am a gay Christian. With that said, whenever I tell other gay men that I am a Christian it seems like they get scared and run off. At 27 years old and been in the dating pool, I now know what I want out of a partner but more than anything… I know what I need. I would like someone that is also Christian, someone which will walk this road of faith with, someone that I can lean on for prayer and vice versa, but where else do I find such man? It’s not as if Christian Mingle has a section for us. I know yourself has a Christian faith, any words of advice.
Your fellow brother,
Let There Be Light.
Dear Let There Be Light,
Thanks for writing to me. It’s unfortunate that you are having some hiccups in dating, but please know you are not alone. Heck, those singles that do have a category for them on Christian Mingle are still experiencing duds in their personal life.
As a black gay Christian myself, trust me when I say that it’s possible to date, and date successfully. There are men in this world that are looking for guys like you. These men share in your belief, desire a relationship, and want a reliable support system. Unfortunately, it sounds like you just haven’t come across such men yet.
The fear many gay men have about dating Christians, is that Christian guys aren’t really ready to date. They are afraid that fellows like you will one day wake up, and be convicted by your spirituality, and end things. That you will some time in the future tell them, that being gay is not what God wants for your life, so you can’t be in a relationship with a man. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll agree that this fear is a legitimate one to have. It’s legitimate not because of anything you’ve done necessarily, but because of the things other gay Christians have said and done over the years.
I’ve heard countless stories of Christian gay men getting involved with another man, and abruptly calling off the “situationship” or relationship, due to feelings of guilt and conviction. I’ve been on the receiving end of the “I Can’t Do This Anymore” speech, and it’s not a pleasant position to be in. You think everything is going well, then all of a sudden you find yourself single again. And look, I’ve not always been the victim in circumstances like this. I can recall breaking things off with my first “situationship” partner several times because of my regenerating anxiety of condemnation back in the day. So again, I get the concerns some folks have getting together with men of faith.
Having said all of this, I want to draw focus on the men you’ve been talking to lately. Are they men that share your values and desire what you truly want? Or are they good looking, and you’ve been hoping they somehow fulfill the requirements of your checklist later down the line? While I’m not one to ever tell someone not to date outside of their religious beliefs, I am one that knows this kind of stuff matters. For a lot of people in relationships with someone that doesn’t share in their belief system, this difference winds up impacting the bond with their partner at one point in time.
In terms of where to find these men, I’m going to encourage you to look where most guys in our demographic look these days. First, there are social media platforms. It may sound awkward, but folks are meeting people on Facebook and Instagram. I actually think that can be a good idea. You can learn a lot about a person by the words they post and pictures they display. And you can always meet people in the places you go, as long as you use your built in “gaydar” and know how to flirt without coming off thirsty. (Mastering the art of flirting is pretty important for singles, so learn the craft if you don’t already. LOL!)
Suggestions going forward.
- If being a Christian is in the top three things you want in a guy, then don’t compromise that in dating. If a guy glitters like gold but doesn’t believe in what you do, then keep it pushing. You don’t want to waste your time.
- Don’t be too discouraged that your personal life isn’t where you would like it to be. What and who is meant for you, is meant for you, and will come in time. You’d rather be single and still searching, then involved with the wrong guy and miserable because you felt the need to settle.
- Oh and if you want some extra tips about using social media to meet someone, check out my post about messaging your MCM (Is it ok to message my MCM).
As always nothing but love,