relationships

I Want to Say I Do, But He Won’t Ask the Question

T,

I’m at a cross roads in my life, and could use some help from you. I’m going on two years in my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m in a headspace where I’m ready to take the next step.  I’m talking marriage.  The thing is, the two of us had a conversation about marriage, and he has no plan to get hitched anytime soon.  I guess I’m perplexed as to what to do. My one best friend thinks I should consider moving on if marriage is something I really want.  But how do I throw away two years?  I love this man and love the time we spend together.  Thoughts?

Best Regards,

Seeking Matrimony

Dear Seeking Matrimony,

Thanks for writing to me.  You find yourself in a position that many folks in relationships find themselves in.  And I know that’s not an easy spot to be in unfortunately.  Stuck between what seems like the impossible choice of having your man or having your dream.  The good news in your particular case, is you may not have to make this choice.  Based on what you’ve described, time is not necessarily your enemy here.

For starters, your boyfriend told you that he doesn’t plan on getting married soon.  Not never!  That’s good news for your prospects of landing the man and getting your dream one day.  It sounds like he just isn’t in a place to be a husband at the moment.  That’s perfectly fine.  I’m sure you’d rather exchange vows with someone that is ready to exchange them with you.  You don’t want to drag anyone down the aisle.  Having said that, ask him what are his fears about getting married sooner rather than later.  Once he expresses his concerns, that should give you more insight on how to proceed with your relationship.  Heck, it’s possible you may come to discover you aren’t as ready for a wedding as you thought.

For some men, they don’t rush down the aisle because of financial anxieties. They think they can’t take the step to “I do,” because they are monetarily prepared to spend on a ring, a wedding, a reception, a honeymoon, or new apartment or home. Or they could have debt so burdensome at the moment, they can’t bare entangling that with someone they love.  I haven’t even mentioned other fears people have about marriage such as commitment phobia or apprehension about blending families. (Some potential in-laws can be a lot for one person to handle.)

Time also benefits you here, because two years is not an incredibly long period.  I’m not trying to diminish what you two have, because plenty of couples can’t make it that long.  However, there is so much more to learn about a person, even at the two year mark.  I’m sure you think you know all there is to know about your boo, but I’m 99% positive that you don’t.  And trust me, you want to learn as much intel about your “one day” husband as possible. Out of all the couples I know that have decided to go the distance in matrimony, they waited until they both felt the time was right, and they knew for certain their partner was the one. Two years or five, both people in the relationship knew when it was time to jump the broom.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. DO NOT pressure your boyfriend to propose to you. No man wants to feel you breathing down his neck for a ring.  That may actually force him to end things.

 

  1. After talking to this guy about his hang ups about marriage, really take into his consideration his fears before you up and leave. He may have valid concerns, and perhaps you can both work together to get through them.

 

  1. If you find your boyfriend’s concerns aren’t valid for not wanting to marry you soon, then you really have to think about whether what you two have is enough for the time being. Again it boils down to the man or your dream.  Temporarily at least.

 

  1. Make certain that your boyfriend has an issue with the idea of marriage, and not the idea of marrying you.

As always nothing but love,

T.

 

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