Dating

Why Is He Talking to a “Fan”?

 Hey T,

I want to start by saying I really enjoy your site! I am in a situation where I have been talking to a guy for about 7 months now & things are going pretty well. The issue I’m having is that he is still communicating with a guy that really likes him. I found out on accident when my phone died and I used his phone to call his friend and I saw a bunch of missed phone calls and a few answered ones. What should I do?

Lost in the Middle

Dear Lost in the Middle,

As always, I really enjoy hearing positive feedback.  So thank you.  And I appreciate you writing to me. In terms of your dilemma, let’s start with the circumstances in which you uncovered this information on the phone.

It seems like you went on a bit of a fishing expedition and caught something.  I’m not sure what kind of phone he has, but it sounds like you did a little scrolling and a little swiping.  LOL!  Unfortunately, in doing what you thought was harmless looking, you found something you don’t like.

What also stands out to me in what you wrote, is that you said “I have been talking to a guy for about 7 months.”  Based on how you phrased that, it sounds like you two are in what I like to call a “situationship.”  It’s been several months, but you two are talking and not yet in a relationship.  And I find it hard to believe you two are committed to one another exclusively, and you refer to him as “a guy,” instead of boyfriend, boo, or bae.  Given that you aren’t officially together, you can’t expect him to cut off ties with Jim, James, Paul, or Tyrone.

If you are bothered by the fact he is still communicating with a fan, then I think you need to admit to yourself and the man you’ve been talking to, that you want more.  That you want to be in a monogamous relationship.  That you want your “situationship” to evolve and grow into something more solid.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. If you and this guy decide you want to be an exclusive couple, then make sure you both come to an agreement as to what a relationship means for both of you. Discuss what you expect from him, and what he expects from you.  And if him talking to a fan bothers you, then tell him that.  Now don’t demand your potential boo to stop talking to the fan, but explain all the ways him continuing to do so will make you uncomfortable. Should this guy be worth committing to, he will want to take steps to help ease your concerns.

 

  1. If you find that you aren’t really wanting to be in a relationship, but just jealous because someone else has your “man’s” attention, then unfortunately you are going to have to swallow your jealousy.

 

  1. Also, if you find he doesn’t want a relationship, you will have to decide if your current arrangement is enough for you.

 

  1. And if you two enter coupledom, don’t make a habit of going through his text messages, phone calls, emails, DM, or Facebook messages. You either trust him in a relationship, or you don’t.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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