friendship

Money is Taking a Toll on My Friendship

T,

What would you do about a friend that always asks to borrow money?  I have this friend that I’ve known for over ten years, and since I’ve known her, she has borrowed probably about $3,000 over time.  I wouldn’t mind loaning her the money if she ever paid me back.  She has not once given me money.  I know most people would just stop giving her money so she’d stop asking, but I don’t want to mess up our friendship.  She really has always been loyal and a ride or die person.  Advice is appreciated.

Danielle Doe

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for writing to me.  From what you’ve wrote, it seems like your friend sees you as her secondary bank.  While I don’t question the tightness of your bond with her, nor do I question the motives of your friend, I do have to wonder why this issue has been able to form for over ten years.  Let’s break it down a bit.

Your friend’s pattern of borrowing money from you, was partly established by you.  You kept saying yes each time she asked for $20.00 here and $100.00 there.  Then after not paying you back the first few times, you continued giving her money.  So why would she think about repaying you when you never collect past debts?  Not to sound like someone’s southern grandma, but people will take it as far as you let them.  And you let your buddy take it pretty far.

If you are really tired of giving out money, then stop giving it out.  There is nothing wrong with saying “no.”  Simply tell your friend the next time she asks, that you aren’t in a position to loan her money.  Now that’s not a lie.  Even if you have the amount she is asking for, you aren’t comfortable with being put in the position of letting her borrow money and not giving it back to you.

With that said, if you want to start collecting, then ask for the funds.  In private with you and her, recap the last few times you’ve loan her money.  Then, casually ask her when you can expect to be reimbursed.  Hopefully your friend will make efforts to run you your coins. LOL!

 

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Like someone wise once told me, don’t ever lend out money if you’d be uncomfortable not getting it back. If giving someone $100.00 puts you in a financial bind, then don’t do it.

 

  1. If you find dollars and cents is destroying a decade long bond, then again, take it out of the equation. Say it with me, “No more giving my friend money.”

 

  1. Once more, while I think it is perfectly within reason for you to ask to be repaid, don’t be disappointed if you never get your funds back. If you want to move on with your friend, and move on with a clean slate, then be able to let go of what she owes you if just can’t afford to repay you.

 

  1. Remember, real relationships can withstand honest conversations.

 

  1. Lastly, a real friend will still want to be your friend even when you tell him/her that the bank is closed.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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