Dating

Am I a Problematic Dater?

Since the start of According to T, I’ve gotten a few questions from readers about why they can’t find their soulmate.  Each time I try to offer a theory based on the information a particular individual gives me.  Well having lived and dated, and having explained to a few folks why I think they are running into problems trying to navigate through single life, I decided to compile a list of dating personas that often run into courting issues so to speak.

Oh and to be clear, this is not a “what’s wrong with you” list.  I for one hate those. This is more of an “offering of perspective.”  A chance for you the reader to gain some insight on whether or not you, or perhaps a friend, is making the journey to lasting romance more difficult than necessary.  By the way there was a time I embodied a few of the following personas.  I didn’t realize it until I gain some perspective of my own.  Anyway, let’s begin.

The Self-Dater

Those in this category  tend to be quite confident in who they are.  The self-daters usually appear to have it all together.  They have the degrees, are meeting their ambitious career goals, and are used to a particular crowd.  So in addition to wanting the tall, chiseled, and handsome man, they want a guy that matches them identically professionally and culturally.

Listen, not even twins raised in the same household will be identical in every aspect.  So to expect to date someone just like you, is a bit of a stretch.  And is actually a bit boring.  Dating you in reality is no fun.  You want to be with someone with drive, but you want a boo that differs from you in a lot of ways to push you to think outside your box and try other experiences.  A great catch will occasionally force you out of your comfort zone and help you grow as a person.  With that said, for those self-daters out there, try giving some of these other single men a chance.  As long as they have the drive and plan to reach higher, you can overlook the fact your resume may seem exceptionally superior and your cultural background is “on fleek.”

The Serial Dater

There are many people that claim they want to be in a relationship, but that simply isn’t true. They aren’t being honest with themselves.  If these people think about it, they would realize that they love to date but just aren’t crazy about the idea of a boyfriend.  Such individuals enjoy the chase of captivating the attention of the man of the moment, but quickly become bored with seeing the same one face on a continual basis.  When boredom strikes, that’s when the wheel starts turning in the mind, scrambling to find a reason to end things with the temporary bae.

Now there is nothing wrong just wanting to date different people.  If you enjoy dating for the thrill and excitement of interacting with new people, that’s fine.  Just own it.  It’s okay that you don’t want to be in long term relationship.  So stop faking the funk.  And stop complaining you can’t find a great man to call boo.  The serial dater doesn’t really desire one.

The Burden Dater

I urge anyone that falls into this category to seek the appropriate counseling to become more than the burden dater.  Burden daters are individuals that go into every situation carrying all the hurt and pain from their past situationships and relationships.  If these daters have ever been lied to, they can’t trust.  If ever been cheated on, they can’t help but to be paranoid.  And if ever been misspoken to, they put up a wall so high that it makes the Great Wall of China look like a raggedy picket fence.  No man they date will start off with a clean slate, which is quite unfortunate.

As part of human nature, we tend to take the experiences from the past and use them to shape how we enter into future circumstances.  However, carrying around all the bad times you faced with men and projecting them onto prospects, is detrimental to your hopes of a lasting relationship.  Plus, it is mentally draining carrying around bad feelings and resentment.  So talk to someone.  There is NOTHING wrong with talking to professionals.  Learn to forgive, let go, and move on.  No more blaming Jim, James, and Paul, for something Tyrone did.

The Insecure Dater

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, confidence is sexy!  When a man feels comfortable in his skin, and owns who he is, that is super attractive.  Those moments you look at couple and feel one of the partners is way more attractive than the other, you can bet the less attractive of the two has confidence out of this world.  Among other things.

No one wants to be boo’d up with a living personification of Eeyore.  A person always pointing out all of his own flaws, and basically listing all the ways in which he won’t be a great mate.  We all have flaws folks, no need to highlight them in neon yellow for the men you date.  Leave that self-sabotage in 2015.

The Selfish Dater

This category probably will describe quite a few people having a hard time finding true love.  Individuals that fit in this category want to date on their terms only.  They want their phone calls answered by the second ring, their texts replied to ASAP, and want to go out when they’re free.  Never mind the availability of the other person.  To selfish daters, it doesn’t even matter.

Here’s the thing, lack luster responsiveness from a guy you’re interested in does not necessarily equate to disinterest.  People genuinely get busy and don’t have time to reply to everything right away.  So when you scoff about them not giving you enough attention, and aren’t understanding of their schedules, men see that as a warning sign to keep you at a distance.

It’s worth me noting that there are times that unresponsiveness means he’s not that into you.  Confused?  Well welcome to the world of dating. LOL!  If a guy’s communication is lack luster, and he is very short with you when reaching out, it’s a pretty good chance he’s not that interested.

The Vomit Dater

This is the type of dater that spews everything to a person way to soon after meeting.  People want to get to know a person they are seeing, but not all at once.  It’s okay to wait to the twentieth date before you start talking about how you caught chlamydia 4 years ago when you were in college.   And you most certainly don’t have to tell a guy on the very first date why you can’t stand your father.  If this is you, do yourself a favor and let information about you trickle out.  Unveil the mystery slowly but surely.

The Unfortunate Dater

When it’s all said and done, sometimes individuals just live in an area with a LIMITED dating pool.  They could search all day and night for a compatible mate, and find no one nearby.  And while several people would opt for long distance partnerships, not everyone is able to handle those.  But folks let’s keep it one hundred.  Many of you reading this live in areas with a plethora of good single guys.  So yeah LOL.

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