Do you think I’m a bad person for wanting to break up with a guy because I’m not a fan of his kid? This man who I’ve been seeing for about three months has the rudest 13 year old girl. I met her for the first time last weekend, and all she did was throw subtle jabs and insult me. My boyfriend even heard one of the insults she threw at me, and he basically just told her that wasn’t nice. When I confronted him about the issue the next day, he tried to explain that his daughter was just going through a rough time. Although he and the girl’s mother haven’t been together since the youngin’s birth, apparently he has only recently come out to her. Also, I’m the first man he has introduced her to. So he chalked up her behavior to her trying to process all of this new information. He cuts her slack and I guess he wants me to as well. I mean but how am I’m supposed to stay with someone whose child hates me? Clearly she holds all the power. What am I to do here?
Dear G Jones,
Thanks for writing to me. Sorry to hear you are facing a hiccup in your relationship. I absolutely think you are entitled to feel some type of way about being insulted and then not defended. I assume you were planning to meet this young girl and begin to form some type of bond. But instead you were greeted with a bad attitude, and felt unprotected by your boo. So I get your frustration.
However, if you love this man and want to see if there is a lasting future between you two, it’s going to require that you have some patience and sympathy in this situation. Remember what it was like to be 13, in middle school, and wanting just to blend in with everyone. Although we live in a post legalization of same-sex marriage era, there are still many people that aren’t quite supportive of the LGBT community. This young teenager may be fearful of how her friends and peers may treat her when they discover her dad likes men and he starts bringing you around different functions. Sad to say, but she may see her dad’s sexuality as a target on her back.
And try not to be too upset with your boo. It sounds like he is in a bit of a tough spot here. I’m sure he hates that his child is apparently struggling to accept you and more importantly his sexuality. Anytime loved ones don’t accept you for you, that’s painful. Let the love you have for this man transform your instinctive anger into honest compassion. Be a shoulder and a listening ear.
Suggestions going forward.
- Cut this 13 year old a bit of slack. If you are committed to your boyfriend, you owe him that. Besides, him witnessing your compassion will score you some MAJOR points in the relationship.
- I’m assuming you knew your boo had a child when you first started dating, and you continued seeing him with the understanding that you would have to accept his “entire package.” If you now think you are really just not prepared to be with a man with children, you can choose to end things. There is nothing wrong with that. For some people, kids are a deal breaker.
- Again, should you decide to ride this relationship out, casually mention you would appreciate a little more support from him when he sees you being verbally attacked. But make it clear, that you understand the difficulty of the situation.
As always nothing but love,