friendship

I Can’t Stand My Bestie’s Boyfriend

Dear T,

Recently me and my friend of over 15 years have really been at odds.  If I’m honest, our problems started happening when she started seeing her new boyfriend.  The guy is a complete manipulative jerk and a tool.  Because of his controlling ways, I don’t even see her as much as I used to.  I’ve tried not to diss him too bad to my bestie, but I’ve definitely let it be known that I think this guy doesn’t have her best interest at heart.  She tells me I need to relax and give him a chance.  Apparently I don’t know him like she does.  My friend even went as far as to tell me I was hating on her boyfriend so much because I was jealous.  I just want our relationship back to normal.  How do I do that?

From,

Worried Bestie

Dear Worried Bestie,

Thanks for writing to me.  I’m sorry to hear about the issues you are having with your friend.  Over the course of a lifetime, most of us will run into an issue or two with at least one friend.  Sometimes we are able to forgive, forget, and repair relationships with our pals.   And other times, we can forgive and forget, but are forced to depart ways.  Fortunately in this instance, from what you’ve told me I think you and your longtime BFF can get past your slump.  However, you are going to have to do something you probably don’t want to do.

In order for your friendship to resemble some sense of normalcy again, you are going to have to apologize and learn to be concerned in silence.  No matter how sleazy and manipulative this man may be, you’ve got to stop outwardly bashing him to your bestie.  Every time you utter a word against him, by default she will probably feel you are criticizing her and her ability to make choices.  That’s a slap in her face.  Plus, because she doesn’t see your digs at her new love as warranted, she will understandably deduce that your attacks stem from jealousy.   What else is she to think?

If this guy is a jerk as you say, let your bestie reach that conclusion on her own.  While it may be a painful process for her, unfortunately in some cases people have to find out about their flawed discerning spirit the hard way.  She may need to learn a lesson on how to better choose the company she keeps.  I don’t mean to sound harsh, but honest.  As her friend of over 15 years, your job is to support her and have her back, not to necessarily tell her what to do.  So it’s possible that in this instance, you will find yourself supporting her in a life lesson.

On one more note, if you start seeing evidence of verbal or physical abuse going on, get involved in a major way.  Rally other friends and family of the BFF into an intervention, and get her the help she needs.

 

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Apologize to your friend. In the apology express that while you were just trying to look out for her, she’s grown and capable of making her own decisions about who she does and does not date.  However, also make it clear that you always have her back and that should she need to talk about anything, you’re all ears.  If the guy is as creepy as you think he is, she needs to know she can come to you should she wake up and see him for who he is.

 

  1. Invite your pal and her boo to join you for dinner or a drink. Your friend will take this as a good will effort on your part to try to get to know him.  Plus, you could get a better understanding of who he really is.

 

  1. Also, talk to another friend or close relative of your BFF and gauge how he or she feel about the boyfriend. You may find that you are the only one concerned.  Oh and make sure you don’t express your disdain for the guy in these conversations.  The last thing you want is for word to get back to your bestie that you are bad mouthing her relationship behind her back.

 

  1. Remember, when friends get boyfriends or girlfriends, they will naturally not have as much time to hang out with just you. Because we only get 24 hours in a day, some of the time she may have dedicated to you exclusively, she must now share with her new man.  However, it’s her job to adequately maintain balance in her relationships.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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