Dating, relationships, The Lifestyle

An Ex is Threatening Me

Dear T,

I’m in a bad situation and need some help.  This guy I fooled around with for about a month, is now threatening to out me.  I mean I admit I didn’t end things that well with him, but I didn’t do anything to him to make him try to ruin my life.  If the people at my college find out I like men, I won’t be able to hear the end of it.  My friends won’t treat me the same, and may not even want to be my friends.  How do I stop this guy?


Concerned College Boy

Dear Concerned College Boy,

Thank you for writing to me.  I’m sorry to hear that you feel you are being backed into a corner. It sucks to feel you are being stripped of your right to privacy.  Unfortunately, when you are discrete or still in the closet, you gamble with your right to privacy to a degree every time you open up your legs to another man.  In fact, gay, straight, lesbian, or bi, people always risk the exposure of their nighttime escapades when they involve another human being.  While we would hope our bedroom partner would adhere to unspoken rules of confidence, that’s not always the case.

From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you have stumbled across what I would call a “messy individual.”  (I actually would use another term, but I don’t want to offend.)  As has always been my belief, I never think it’s okay for someone to out another.  Unless, there is an issue of life or death, or in some cases marriage is involved.  My list of exceptions is a topic for another day.

The way I see it, you have two options to choose from here.  First, you could offer this guy a heartfelt apology.  Own up to wronging him, and wish him well in his future endeavors.  By no means, should this apology express a desire to reignite what you two had going, or a hope for a friendship.  You don’t want this type of person in your inner circle.  Trust me!

Option two would be to use his threat as the push you need to embrace who you are and see if those closest to you will do the same.  If your friends find out you are gay, there is the possibility they won’t care you are gay and embrace you just the same.  However, if your friends do decide to turn their back on you because of your sexuality, then maybe they aren’t friends worth having.

On one final note, please keep in mind that this guy could be bluffing.  He may never tell your friends about your sexuality.  There could be a possibility, that he just likes being able to hold something over your head for now.  And perhaps you could ride out the storm.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Be careful of the company you keep. The head on your shoulders is usually the smarter of the two. LOL!


  1. It may be easier said than done, but don’t ever let anyone turn your sexuality into a weapon with which to harm you.


  1. If you apologize to this guy, and he still is compelled to out you, then beat him to the punch. Friends would rather you tell them, then some messy stranger.

As always nothing but love,


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