This past weekend while at a friend of a friend’s house party, I ran into an ex-boyfriend. I hadn’t seen or heard from him since we broke up about a year and a half ago. When we saw each other, something just clicked. We talked the entire time I was there. Being with him in that moment felt right. Plus, he still looks good, and even put on a few layers of muscle since we broke up. Before I left the party, we made plans to go on a date and catch up. My friend told me not to do it, because we broke up for a reason. But I honestly kind of miss my ex and want to see him again. I have a few days before our date, and wanted to know if you think I should cancel it because my friend is right? Or should I follow my instinct?
Appreciate the advice,
Want that Old Thing Back
And thanks for writing to me. Your dilemma here is something EVERYONE that has ever been boo’d up has gone through at some point. You break up with a guy for one reason or another, but then you run into him and are reminded of how fine he is, the good times you two once had, and the amazing sex he provided. When those memories hit you all at once and you consider the fact you both are single, you think “well damn, maybe we should get back together?” Trust me when I say I understand.
The thing about reuniting with an ex, is that you two will inevitably face the same issues that caused you to break up the first time unless you, the ex, or both of you have gone through a season of self-evaluation and growth. If you are genuinely still interested in this guy, then it’s your job to find out things like is he a better communicator? Are you a better listener? Has he worked on his ability to compromise? Have you further developed your patience? Have you both worked on being honest and open with others? Really sit and think about the deep rooted cause of your initial breakup, and what needed/needs to happen to avoid it occurring again.
With that said, if you and the ex didn’t make it because of issues of physical abuse and/or emotional cruelty, then you desperately need to rethink reconnecting with this blast from the past. If you were strong enough to get out of that relationship, then have the strength not to put yourself back in a situation that could be potentially harmful again. Look, relationships are a lot of work, but they should never take you to a place where happiness is a luxury and not a necessity.
Suggestions going forward.
- Go on the date. You two may have talked at the party, but you won’t be able to grasp the full scope of his personal growth or yours in a “situationship” until you meet with him one on one. Again, if there were prior issues of abuse, then please don’t put yourself in harm’s way.
- When meeting, don’t be gun shy and revisit why you two called it quits in the first place. Should you two decide to date in an attempt to reunite, you don’t want to carry old baggage in the future. Also, you want to make sure you don’t run into the same problems again.
- Don’t sleep with this man until you guys talk. Sex will only cloud your judgement.
- Make sure you don’t want to reconnect with this guy out of pure comfort and familiarity.
As always nothing but love,