Dating, relationships

Are We Together or What?

 Dear T,

I’ve been dating this man for about 2 months now.  We have great times and really click.  I haven’t clicked with someone like this in a long time. Well anyways, how do I know if we are still just dating or are in a relationship at this point?

Thanks,
Kenan No Kel

Dear Kenan No Kel,

Thanks for writing me, and love the name.  Kenan and Kel was classic Nick. LOL!  And speaking of classic, your question reflects an traditional common curiosity folks have when dating. They start seeing a guy for a few weeks and get caught up in this cloud of mystery as it pertains to their “situationship.” People want clarity and boundaries established with their potential mates.  Although confused, folks like yourself won’t simply have the conversation they need to have due to a fear of perception.  They don’t want to be perceived as trying to rush into something.  Or better yet, they don’t want to seem as if they like their “boo” more than that “boo” likes them.  Regardless of the reasoning, I get it.

However, you are going to have to put on your big boy draws and just ask him what you two are.  Hear from him in his own words what you are and where you’re headed.  Point blank ask him, are you in a relationship? Are you working toward that? Is being exclusive something he is willing to be with you?  And think back on how he treats you, how he communicates, how often he communicates, how open he has been with you.  Examining stuff like that should show you if he is feeling you and ready to have this conversation.

If the direct approach is still too scary of an idea for you, and trust me when I say I’m not passing judgment, then you can try the indirect approach.  Although I must warn you, the latter method can still leave room for haziness trying to define what you two are to each other, and perhaps even backfire.   One way of asking indirectly if you two are an item, would be to do the following.

  1. The Friends Card: Here, you would hold a conversation with this guy like you normally would do on any given day.  Then, you somehow say something like “My friends keep asking me when they can meet my boyfriend?”  Once you utter the b-word, pay very close attention to his reaction.  Then quickly before he has a chance to say anything tell him, “I told them I don’t have a boyfriend, just a special guy I’m dating.”
    1. If he doesn’t seem to take exception with the b-word, then use that as an opportunity to have a serious talk about your relationship status.
    2. If he does take exception with the relationship label, you kind of saved face refuting your friends’ comment.
    3. However, he may give you what appears to be a neutral response where you can’t tell how he feels about being called your boyfriend. Then you are kind of stuck still not knowing.
    4. And even worse, because you were so quick to deny him as your boyfriend, he may feel you aren’t ready to be in a relationship with him, even he is ready to be in one with you.

*As you can see there are too many directions this method can take you, which is why I rather keep it simple and direct.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Be straight forward and direct. It may be a scary thing, but it is the best way to know.
  1. If it happens this guy is not ready for a relationship, don’t take that as an insult. He may not be ready to take that step just yet.  He may like you a lot, but just isn’t ready to be your boyfriend because of what that may entail.  It’s a different ball game being someone’s man than it is being someone’s steady date.  So if you are vibing, give him time as long as he is interested in the boyfriend idea in the NEAR

As always nothing but love,

T.

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