How do you tell your best friend that you love him? I’ve been best friends with this guy since high school, and I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I love him and want him as more than just my friend. When we initially met back in high school, it was because we were paired together for some project in a chemistry class. After spending some time with him back then, we found out we had a lot in common and became instant friends. And we are still close 12 years later. He even chose me to be godfather of his 2 year old son over his own brother. But there are just a few things keeping me from telling him how I feel.
For starters, he just got out of a relationship with the mother of his child about 4 months ago. And I don’t want to be the rebound if he responds positively to my confession. Then there is the fact I’m gay. I don’t know him to be gay. But what I do know, is that he was very accepting of me when I came out. Nothing between us changed. I also know, that the guys I’ve dated in the past have all failed to compare to my friend. With all that said, what should I do? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose a friend trying to gain a boyfriend.
Crazy in Love
Dear Crazy in Love,
Thanks for writing to me. From what you told me, I completely understand the sensitivity of your dilemma. 12 years of a good friendship is on the line here. Plus, I’m sure you don’t want to do or say anything that could potentially interfere with the relationship you have with your godchild. But at the same time, I get the difficulty of having to swallow your true feelings. It takes a lot of self-control and is quite uncomfortable, as I’m sure you know.
Before you say anything to this guy, you need to figure out the best way you can gauge if your friend is even gay or bisexual. Revealing your feelings of love to a man that doesn’t even bat for your team is a bit of a moot point. He will never be able to love you in the way you want. He won’t ever give you that passionate kiss on the lips. He won’t ever hold your hand on a date. He won’t ever whisper I love you from the pillow next to you in the early morning hours. So again, try and determine his sexuality. And if you’re thinking you have no way of knowing what he likes, think again. After that many years of close friendship, you should know him fairly well.
So say you find out he is gay or bisexual, be prepared to accept the fact that he may still not be attracted to you. For some people, such as myself, when they put a person in the friend zone, there is no escaping. No matter how hard they try, they just can’t view a friend as a potential lover. However, the best relationships are based on friendship. I’m sure there are those that will read this and be confused right now. LOL! Without getting too off topic, it is different entering a friendship expecting nothing but friendship to ever occur, then attempting to enter a relationship by building a foundation of friendship. I’ll have to explain this notion in another topic one day soon.
Now not to throw another wrench into this already interesting toolbox, but what happens if your buddy is gay and he does love you, and you two get together? But then after some dating you find you two are just not compatible in a romantic sense? Are you two the type able to go back to pure friendship? I’ve never been an advocate of being friends with an ex, but that just my stance on the matter.
My suggestions going forward.
- Again, assess your friend’s sexuality. And if you find it impossible to tell, ask him a hypothetical. For example, tell him “I have this friend who happens to be gay, and is in love with his brother’s best friend who is straight. Should my friend tell the dude how he feels or not? I told him to go ahead and tell him.” You should be able to tell a lot from his response, and if it’s worth sharing your feelings.
- Prepare yourself for both the best and worst possible outcomes of professing your love.
- Push comes to shove, if you find your feelings of love so overwhelming to the point it is causing a hindrance to your friendship keeping it a secret anyway, tell him. As the saying goes, there is no reward in life without risk.
- If you decide to tell this man you love him, do so face to face and in a private venue, like your home or his.
- Don’t worry about being a rebound. If this guy loves you, and I hope he does, the love for you won’t be of the rebound variety. He’s known you for too long, and he would be hitting for a new team.
As always nothing but love,