Dating, relationships

Dating Someone that Won’t Give Up the Goods

Dear T,

I started talking to this guy about two weeks ago, and while on a date this past weekend he revealed to me he is celibate.  And he plans to be that way until he has been dating a person for at least 6 months.  As someone that happens to really like sex, I asked him some follow up questions.  First, I wanted to know if that meant just penetration sex or everything.  He said ideally it meant everything but kissing, hugging, and a little groping every now and then.  I then asked him if six months was a definite time span or was he flexible.  The guy claimed he wasn’t really flexible with the six months.  Which leaves me in this bind.  I like the dude, a lot actually, but six months is a long damn time without penetration.  Especially if I’m not getting any oral play either.   Hell, a person can only play with own meat so many times before it gets old. What would you do in this situation?

Sincerely,

Not a Hoe, Just a Man

Hello,

And thanks for writing to me.  Let me just go right in and try to tackle your question.  Interestingly enough, I get where he is coming from and I get where you are coming from.  I don’t know the guy you’re dating and can’t speak with certainty as to his rationale for abstaining from sex, but it sounds like to me he has his 6 month rule to help him date smart.  I’ve been quoted as saying that often sex clouds people’s decision making when it comes to dating in search of a relationship.  So holding out until you get to know someone is not a bad idea.  However, I have never advocated someone put a strict timeline on that “get to know you period” like 90 days or 6 months.

On the other hand, I most certainly understand the sexual desires and cravings you may have.  Once you’ve experienced great “cookie” or great “sausage,” it’s hard not to want more of it.  It’s even harder to date someone that you really vibe with and has all the goods you want, but won’t give you access to them.  But sometimes, waiting can actually benefit you too.  If you want a real relationship, some brief abstinence can help you weed out the folks that aren’t worth wasting your time with.  Plus, if you really just want sex you could on Jack’d or Grindr or something LOL.

Now if I were in your shoes and I sincerely liked this guy, I think I would ask him some more questions about his choice to remain celibate.  Although I would have my assumptions about his choice to refrain from sex, I would want to hear from his own mouth his reasons so I can try to deeper understand his perspective.  Also, I would agree to abstain from sex in an effort to get to know him.  BUT, I wouldn’t agree to 6 months.  I’d tell him to let things happen as they happen, and not to be so focused on a conceptualized time frame.   You both will know when the time is right.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Sit down face to face with this man and have a real conversation with him about his abstinence. Find out his true reasons for not giving up the goods.  But also explain your dilemma.  Just tell him you are enjoying getting to know him, but you have a healthy sexual appetite. You two may come up with a compromise on how to proceed with your dating situation.
  1. Now I said have a conversation with him about your issue, DO NOT pressure this boy into having sex if he’s not ready.
  1. If the only thing stopping you from going forward with dating this guy is the sex thing, then I’m going to encourage you not to cut him off. He may turn out to be the boo you’ve been searching for.  Plus, if you two really start connecting my hunch is that his six month rule will become more flexible than you think.

As always nothing but love,

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One thought on “Dating Someone that Won’t Give Up the Goods”

  1. Not a Hoe, Just a Man says:

    Man I’ll try it your way. Because like I said, I like him.

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