T I’m just going to jump right into this. I’m sick of being single, and I’m tired of being what my cousin calls a serial dater. I thought about this last night, and I haven’t been in a real relationship in almost 3 years. And hell, my last relationship lasted a whopping 4 months. What is it going to take for me to get a bae? I have great career, nice place to live, and like to think I’m cute. Definitely not a boogawolf. And don’t really have hard time getting men to the bed. Just a hard time keeping them there longer than a few weeks. Hoping you can help me out with some words of wisdom or whatever to land a man. Oh and FYI, I already asked my friends what they think I’m doing wrong. They basically said, “man you’re a good catch, the perfect guy is out there for you.” My response was “B$tch where?” Anyway, any help would be appreciated.
Thanks in advance,
Booless in the City.
Dear Booless in the City,
Appreciate you writing to me. Your problem rings familiar with a lot of single gay men, and really anyone single. Male or female. Hetero or homosexual. Sometimes in life, it seems we date person after person with no tangible romantic relationship to show for it. We look at friends’ lovey dovey Instagram posts, changing Facebook statuses, and celebrities with their “Love on Top,” and think “where is our boo thang?” LOL! But I’d like to suggest to you, the key to your problem may be better solved doing some internal analyzation. So let’s get into what everyone’s favorite great aunt calls the nitty gritty.
I gathered from your letter that you have no problem finding a sexual partner. And that is always easier to find than a boo. However, you may have an issue with trying to turn a sexual partner into a date. Remember what I’m about to tell you and even tweet it if you like. “Just because a man is willing to play in your box, doesn’t mean he’s willing to hold your hand.” Some people will tell you they are in search for a relationship just like you, but in actuality they are in search for a warm body and convenient hole for the moment. If you catch my drift. As a dater, you have to develop a system that helps you not to engage with such people. May I suggest, withholding the booty is a great start.
Also, I know you say you want a boyfriend, but is that something that you prioritize. I commend you on having a great career and nice place to live. I know it took a lot of focus and hard work on your part to achieve such things. But, is it possible that in the pursuit of these achievements, you made those things your top priority and the idea of a nurturing relationship became secondary? And hear what I’m saying before you write me off or misinterpret me. A person should ALWAYS prioritize a career if he/she hopes to one day be successful in that regard. But if that person also has dreams of having a bae to share success with, then that individual should put real effort into finding him/her. Despite the grand illusions Hollywood offers us, usually the perfect person will not drop out of the sky and an amazing relationship will not develop without effort on your part.
Oh and then there are the dating standards EVERYONE has. Some people however, establish standards for dating that are a bit unrealistic. Listen, tall, light skin, ripped abs, great hair, amazing sex, $70,000+ earning ability, luxury car owner, no prison record, educated, and Christian describes probably .003% of the single dating pool available. LOL! You have to learn what standards you have are really important to keep, and which ones you can be flexible with. Can you date someone who has a beer gut? Or has ambition but no college degree? Or is great at romance, but terrible in the bedroom? Those are the kind of questions only you can answer, but you get the point. Keep in mind, people are entitled to their preferences, but sometimes you don’t know what you truly like unless you experience it firsthand.
And finally, I mean this with all the respect in the world. But your habitual single status could be due to issues you need to seek counseling for. Perhaps you have a problem with letting people know you intimately because of some bad prior life experiences. Or maybe you have an unexplained affinity for sex that prevents you from taking time to get to know a person first. Or possibly there is some other issue altogether. Seeking some help from a licensed professional may provide you some real answers to some real issues, and spark overall real growth crucial for your quest to find a man.
Here are my suggestions going forward.
- Try dating for a while with your cookies locked up. Refraining from sex for a bit will help you weed out those guys not wanting a relationship but wanting just sex.
- Evaluate how much effort you actually put into finding a man. If you really want one, you will have to make that a priority.
- Don’t be afraid to seek out therapy if you think you need it. There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of in asking for help.
- Don’t be so hard on yourself being single. There isn’t anything wrong with it.
As always nothing but love,