relationships

Am I Stuck on Stupid?

Dear T,

I have a problem.  I’m in still in love with my ex, and I want him back.  We broke up about a year ago because he cheated on me.  When I found out what he did I was devastated, and couldn’t talk to him for a minute.  But over the past month, we’ve started talking again, and the feelings between us are still there.  Am I stupid to want to be with him again?

Sincerely,

Stupid in Love

Dear Stupid in Love,

Thanks for writing to me.  Let me start off my response by saying you are not stupid.  You’re just in love, and there is nothing wrong with that.  As much as we as humans would like to, we simply can’t control who we love and when we love them.  No matter how hard we try.  So that fact you are still in love with your ex is normal.

And hey, I understand your apprehension with still being in love with him, and possibly wanting to reunite as a couple.  You two have history that ended with him cheating, and that is not the easiest thing to get over.  You’re probably thinking “if I reunite with him, how do I know he won’t cheat on me a second time?”  Again, that’s a perfectly normal thought.  But I suggest you work through your feelings about your ex’s actions, if you want him back as Bae.  A new relationship with him should be started with a clean slate.  Don’t start it with old baggage!

Before I close out this letter with my usual suggestions, I’m going to make somewhat of a revolutionary statement.  ALL CHEATERS ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE.   A lot of people that cheat do so because something was going on in the relationship, and they made the bad decision to seek inappropriate comfort in another person.  The accused cheaters feel bad for what they did, and usually wish they could do anything to take it back.  Look!  People make mistakes, and as long as they recognize what they did was wrong and the fallout from their actions, I think forgiveness should be offered to them.

Going forward here are my suggestions.

  1. If you love this guy, I don’t think it’s stupid of you to want to get back together with him. However, make sure there are three things present.
    1. An Explanation: It’s important that you two get to the bottom of why he cheated. That you both are honest with each other, and accept ownership of your part in the matter.
    2. Forgiveness: I wouldn’t advise proceeding forward with the relationship unless you have forgiven him, and aren’t willing to constantly hold his bad choice over his head. Any arguments you two have in a relationship going forward, you can’t bring up the cheating as a defense mechanism.
    3. Unconditional Love: You two need to make certain that you are building a new relationship on love and not on comfortability. That you aren’t getting back together because you’re too afraid of exploring what else is out there.
  1. Unfortunately, be prepared to defend your relationship against family and friends that know he cheated. Although they mean well, they probably will attempt to block you from reuniting with this man.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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