When to Show the Real You While Dating

Dear T,

When do you know when to start really opening up to a guy you’re dating?  I’ve found in the past that when dating someone new, I started revealing too much about myself too fast.   I would scare the guys off.  However, I don’t believe in being phony for 2 months, then being like “surprise, here’s the real me.”  Your advice would be greatly appreciated.


Just Wonderin

Dear Just Wonderin,

Thanks for writing to me.  I’ll keep my response short and sweet today.  Your question is actually a common one for many people dating in pursuit of a relationship.  Generally speaking, people want someone to fall in love with the real them, and not fall in love with the shallow version of themselves.  They want a guy that will love them in spite of their silly quirks, their personal flaws, and their bad morning breath. LOL!  However, a lot of individuals are under the impression that if you take off the “mask” too early, then they will kill the relationship before it even starts.  So again, your question is common.

I’m an advocate of showing someone the real you in phases, and not hitting them with all of you all at once.  And just because you don’t show a person all of you right away, doesn’t mean you are being phony.  To take you to my country roots for a minute, getting to know someone for me is like shucking an ear of corn.  When you shuck corn, you peel back the layers of husk and silk, to get to the heart of the vegetable.  And the sweet juicy corn is what you want.  Getting to know someone should be a matter of pulling back layers to gain access to the vulnerable and exposed person.  And just like the husk and silk are technically part of the corn, your surface layers of personality are a part of you.  So expose the real you slowly and honestly.

If you’re really not sure when to start revealing things about yourself to a potential boo, then let the potential boo set the tone.  I’ve found that if a person is interested in you, he will make a real effort to try to get to know you.  He will ask you your likes and dislikes, where you go and what you do to find peace of mind, your ideas of a good mate, and etc.  Allowing the other person to guide the “getting to know you” phase, should definitely take some of the pressure off you.

Going forward here are my suggestions.

  1. Try not to let dating be too stressful of a process for you. Dating really can be fun.
  1. Remember, allow your potential boo to shuck your “personality corn” (LOL), if you still have a hard time with this issue.
  1. Don’t be so concerned about how you reveal yourself to someone, that you don’t focus on getting to know him. It’s important for you to figure out the person you’re dating too.

As always nothing but love,


You might also like

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.