I think I’m addicted to my ex-boyfriend/current boyfriend depending on the day. We have been off and on for about 3 and half years now. We will be good for about 2 months, and then all of a sudden he will do something that pisses me off and cause me to want to break up with him. I mean he’s lied to me, cheated on me, and he can be so immature sometimes. However, he also makes me laugh like no other, and he has given me some of the best surprises I’ve ever received. Plus, the sex with him is beyond amazing. I mean I’ve been with other guys, but none of them even come close to this man in the bedroom. My friends say great surprises and mind blowing sex aren’t everything, and if me and the ex break up as often as we do, maybe I should move on. But I can’t bring myself to let him go. Say I move on and find another guy that doesn’t cheat, is mature, and always treats me right, but the sex is terrible. I think if I work with the ex and help him grow up a little, I will have my perfect man. Please tell me what you think?
Dear Dream Catcher89,
Thanks for writing to me. Based on what you sent me, I think your issues can be reduced to two major points. The first point I want to discuss is about sex. I know you said your ex makes you laugh and gives you great surprises, but let’s be honest. You’ve been “dickmatized.” You keep reuniting with this man because he has you hooked on him. And the ex knows this. My guess is, every time the guy has cheated, or lied, or genuinely pissed you off, he used his fun stick to lure you into forgiveness. The ex knows that he can do pretty much whatever he wants and you’ll take him back, because he’s confident his love is like whoa! As long as you continue to allow him to use his penis as kryptonite, you won’t be able to clearly evaluate your relationship, and leave a potentially unhealthy situation.
Point number two has to deal with your desire to wait for your ex to grow up and change. K. Michelle released a song a couple of years ago entitled “Can’t Raise a Man.” Do yourself a favor and listen to it, because she is right. You appear to be waiting for this guy to evolve into this perfect boyfriend. I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but you may be waiting in vain. Can you honestly say that this guy has taken any steps to seek help or counsel about why he has a tendency to lie, or cheat, or lacks some maturity? If not, then what makes you think he is prepared to turn over a new leaf? Either you are going to have to cut this man loose, and find this mature guy you seek. Or, you are going to learn to put up with the ex’s flaws for the 30 minutes of pleasure you experience a few times a week.
Oh, and let me mention one more important thing here. Please stop wasting time thinking you won’t find a man that will satisfy you like your ex does. If you are able to find a great guy that can stimulate your mind, and you and the guy can push each other to achieve new levels of personal and joint success, than I’m almost certain you can find a way for you and him to make magic in the bedroom. Heck, you can teach any man how to swing a hammer! If you catch my drift LOL!
Going forward here are my suggestions.
- Evaluate the relationship between you and this guy, and determine if his flaws are worth putting up with in the long term. No matter what I or your friends may say, you are the only one that can make that judgment call. However when you make this call, TAKE SEX OUT OF IT! You need a clear mind making such a decision.
- If you want to give this ex another shot, then you at least have to make sure he agrees to see someone. Whether clergymen, counselor, or both, he should search for answers from someone about why he feels need to lie and cheat. He has to take steps to show you things will be different.
- Remember that every guy you enter a relationship with will have his share of flaws. It’s about knowing what flaws you are comfortable living with, and which ones you aren’t.
As always nothing but love,