Dating, friendship

Breaking out of “The Friend Zone”

Hi T,

I have a question for you.  Is it really impossible to get out of the friend zone?  I have this good friend that I’ve been cool with for about 4 years, and I want more than friendship.  When he and I first met, it was at a mutual friend’s birthday party.  I remember initially thinking at that party how sexy he was, and that I wanted to sleep with him bad.  However, we wound up just talking that night and built a really great platonic relationship.  Since then, we’ve been in the friend zone.  And it’s not like I’ve been pining away for him for four years or anything.  I’ve dated other guys, but it’s never worked out with any of them.  He on the other hand, has been in a relationship with some dude for 2 years.  Although, word on the street is his boyfriend has been cheating on him.  I guess that’s beside the point.  Anyway, do you think I should risk our friendship and tell my friend how I feel about him?  I was actually thinking of a plan to tell him about his boyfriend sleeping around on him, comfort him for a week or two, then make my move.  I appreciate the help.

Thankfully,

Gay Cleveland Brown.

Dear Gay Cleveland Brown,

Thanks for writing to me.  And by the way, I love The Cleveland Show.  I wish FOX would have never cancelled it.  Someone should have started a petition to bring it back. LOL! But you didn’t write to me to discuss cartoons, you want to know if you can get out of the infamous “friend zone.”  Many people think of the friend zone as a life sentence.  Once someone is placed in that zone, there is no way out.  However, the more appropriate view of the friend zone is a life sentence with the possibility of parole.  There is most definitely a way out.

The best relationships are those in which there is a solid foundation of friendship.  Having a partner who you can talk to about anything, laugh about everything, and yet give you some awesome “something something” is amazing.  Everyone should want this dynamic in a relationship.  As is the case, it shouldn’t be so taboo for friends to want to date friends.  With that said, the risks involved in making the jump from bestie to boo are very real.

Should you confess your feelings to your friend, you would be putting your current friendship on the line.  There are at least three worst case scenarios here.  You’ll notice in each scenario the friendship changes or ends.

  1. Your friend doesn’t share your feelings and he lets you down gently; but, requests to remain friends. Don’t really know how well you deal with rejection, but if you don’t deal with it well, you probably won’t want to hang with a man that you want but can never have.
  1. Your friend doesn’t share your feelings, and he decides he needs some space from you. He reasons that he doesn’t want to hang out with you as much because he doesn’t want to lead you on, and he wants to respect his relationship with his current boyfriend.
  1. Your friend shares your romantic feelings and you two start dating. However, after some time goes by, you or him realize the relationship was not meant to be and you break up.  If you have read my previous posts you know I don’t believe exes can be good friends.

And look, the best possible scenario of you telling your friend you like him, is that you two become a loving couple that actually lasts in this day and age. And a lasting relationship with your soulmate is worth the risk in my opinion.

Going forward, here are my suggestions.

  1. If the feelings you have for your friend are so strong, that you can no longer contain them, and you are aware of the risks, then GO FOR IT! Tell your friend you are feeling him.
  1. Your plan to tell your friend his boyfriend is cheating is a terrible one. DO NOT DO IT!  You don’t want to wind up being just the “rebound guy” if your friend breaks up with the man because of cheating.  Also, you don’t want to look shady as someone that broke up his friend’s current relationship because of selfish motives. And then some people shoot the messenger.  Your friend could resent you for spreading the gossip about his boyfriend.
  1. If you tell your friend you’re vibing him, tell him face to face in a private setting. Face to face interaction allows you to see his initial truthful reaction about how he receives the news.  And a private setting, like his home or yours, makes it easier for him to leave or you to leave if things don’t work out.  Or easier if you want to test the chemistry of mutual feelings with a kiss.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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2 thoughts on “Breaking out of “The Friend Zone””

  1. Gay Cleveland Brown Fan says:

    I guess I should be flattered with every “chile” lol

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